Saturday, September 11, 2010

Big Girl Panties Week

Most people think I sail through life, being awesome and brave and all together. That I stare down adversity  and kick it's arse if it dares to try to touch me, so long as it doesn't involve a major renovation.  That there isn't much that phases me and not much I can't handle. That I'm a tackle things head on kind of chick.

That's pretty much true.  Crap happens in life and you just have to pick yourself up , dust yourself off, occasionally crawl into a corner for a bit to  lick your wounds and  then get up and just deal with it.

The truth is people, part of  me is a wuss and worse still an ostrich. I can ignore things I don't want to know about for weeks and sometimes months if I have to.  I'm talking about "I think there is something wrong with me health wise  and I don't really want to know what it is until the kitchen is finished , Miss P and Little P are settled in their own home and Mr. P has a new job" kind of ignoring.

But eventually when the  lump the size of an egg  in your side  starts reminding you of a camel's hump (or a third breast - thanks for that descriptor  Marg because it really did give me laugh this week in my darkest hours )  and you can't raise a smile when you think of the line "my hump, my hump, my hump" from that awesome Black Eyed peas song  and after months of ignoring it and worrying about all the kinds of nasty that it could be and it's got to the stage you've looked up how much you're worth dead so that your husband will be able to live a comfortable life when you're gone, it's time to put your big girl panties on and get your heinie to the doctor.

And so that's what I've been doing for the past week. Wearing big girl  panties and having complete strangers ask me repeatedly to take them off while I got poked and prodded in places that I normally don't flash in polite company. It's been a long time since anyone but Mr. P asked me to get my gear off.

In fairy tales "Abracadabra" makes all sorts of things happen. In medicine  when your doctor says  "I think it's a tumour"  it has the same sort of effect except that what happens is that it suddenly entitles  pretty much everyone to have a look at all your bits and  the medical profession becomes mighty interested in testing you for everything else that has ever been described in Mosby's medical dictionary. Consequently you will have Xrays, ultrasounds, lectures on giving up smoking,  and enough blood sucked out of you to satisfy a coven of vampires while they test you for pretty much everything  from ingrown toenail to myeloid leukemia. 

Since I spent so much of my early professional life poking and prodding people I have developed a personal aversion to having it done to me. I'm pretty  much over my anti pokey -proddy phase at this point. Every man and his dog has had a shot this week. I did learn I'm not dead yet because the ultra sound guy was very cute and all I could think about was whether or not I was wearing a decent bra. It was a huge disappointment when I recalled I was wearing one of my less tasty pieces of underwear apparel and that it probably qualified as vintage.  Vintage is good in furniture  and frocks, but not underwear. Go figure.

And I don't really understand why we had to do a you know what smear when the lump was on my left rib cage nowhere near my hoo-ha.  - I'm not whinging - I'm just saying. Had I not suffered enough indignity this week? On the up side the thought of said hoo haa inspection prompted me to shave my legs and paint my toenails just like if I was going on a date so that was a positive.

Anyway , most of the results are back. We can all breathe a sigh of relief. Apparently I'm an asthmatic hypochondriac with mild osteopenia  who should give up smoking. The lipoma is benign. Miraculously my lungs are clear.  And can you believe with all the avoiding I do of vegetables and all the butter I slather on everything and all those slack teas I create, that  my cholesterol, platelets, vitamin levels  and everything else are perfectly normal? It's comforting to know that the 10 kilos I've lost this year has actually been from sensible eating , and bad food denial  and not because my insides are being eaten away by some hideous disease. The ultimate verdict at this stage is I'm getting older, I'm getting tired-er, and that I need to eat better, avoid stress and give up smoking (Yes Doctor, I heard you the first six times )  

There are a few of you out there that have known this has been  going on this week. Frankly I have been crapping myself. I'm  a happy camper once again and  I want to thank you for your support. You know who you are. And you are awesome.

Now if you'll excuse me I have some mundane things to do, which after this week of excitement is just fine with me.

P.S. I'm giving up smoking. Yes I'm succumbing to ongoing peer pressure.  Be afraid- be very afraid. I have a plan.


Kris said...

Phew! So glad you're giving up smoking! Oh. And glad you're still alive. (A little doctor humour there!)

I liked your description of the prodding/poking thing. We have a friend who had testicular cancer about 10 years ago and he said the same thing. Once you have a lump, be prepared for it to be bared in ANYONE's company! Once he had all his tackle bared, legs thrust apart (all the better to see you my dear) whilst the medical profession (about five of them) had a discussion about the particular prodding and poking that should go on. Then the room he was in became Grand Central Station. (No curtains either) When there were about 9 people in there he lost it and asked who the hell they all were. One woman admitted to being the nutritionist, so he told her to get out and come back later when all his bits were covered up, cause she really didn't need to see him in all his glory to advise him on his diet.

It's lucky we can laugh about such things, cause they're really not funny. ??? I know, but having a sense of humour is so vital. Hope this week is a better one!

Larri said...

Well, I'm sending up a prayer of thanks to my God this evening (er, morning for you). I'm glad to know you're gonna be all right. :o) And I really can't wait to hear of your Grand Plan to beat the butts. ;o) Happy Saturday to you!

Alisa said...

I'm glad all is going to be okay! What a stressful time. The quitting of the smoking sucks, I highly recommend the Nicorette gum, unlike a patch, you can chew it as often as you need, although I do think I resorted to chewing the patch at one point. It's been near to 6 years for The Dad and I and now I look back and can't believe I smoked. It feels as good to be done with the smoking as it does to be done with babies.
Good luck and can't wait to hear your humorous take on things.

Karen from Sew Many Ways... said...

So very, very, very happy you had good news. After a week like that, you deserve a vacation...or at least a day at the spa. Sinced you shaved and everything, now's the perfect time to go to the spa!! LOL.
Take care of yourself,

Anonymous said...

Mrs. P. The next time you write a post like this could you please start out with EVERYTHING IS OK but????? Because I didn't much like having to read through to the last paragraph to make sure. Just sayin'. (Just saying that I'm really glad you are okay. Old...but okay. And yes, that was total retribution for scaring me). Also you should know that this comment started out with some mighty cuss words but then I remembered that I should be more sensitive.

Char said...

So glad you're going to be ok, only old! Like the rest of us. Now take care of that smoking thingy!

Brenda said...

Good girl - getting to the dr. and all. Good luck on the giving up smoking - you are worth it and don't forget to ask for help - friends, family, God - we all love you!

Sandy said...

Glad to hear your testing came out is so hard not knowing and suspecting the worst!

Paulette said...

I'm sorry about your health scare but SO glad it turned out to be benign. Glad your other tests turned out well too. Good luck on quitting the cigs. I quit a pack a day habit cold turkey many years ago. Best decision ever. You can do it!

Marg said...

I am so glad to hear that all is well. It's not fun being prodded and poked, but so pleased you finally did it.
Now, that I know you are all ok I am going to hold you to giving up smoking. We have it in writing now, and I will be reminding you of that if needed!!!!!!!!
Now go and do something nice for yourself, you deserve it, Karen's idea of the spa sounds like a great idea.
Take care and remember, less stress. :)

AnnieO said...

Benign is such a friendly word. So glad all your bits are safely covered again and you can simply flash a smile instead of vintage panties. Wheeeee! Glad that week is over for you!

I'm going to give you a new phrase to say instead of "giving up smoking": I am a non-smoker.

Sarcastic Quilter said...

Olay, listen, I love you and all even though I haven't met you so I'm glad you are going to be alright but I SECOND THE CHICKEN'S post. I think I skimmed this first to see the verdict and then went back and read the verdict when it was apparent you were weaving a tale. ARGH! (mad me... you don't want to know mad me.)

Now, to quote Forrest Gump, "that's all I'm going to say about that" (At least in the comment field).

As for the smoking, HOORAY! I was wondering how I was going to have to break the news that if I came to visit I couldn't stay b/c DH has an allergy to the cigarette smoke. So I figure, if my dad can quite after almost 50 years then anyone can. I think, being of the mindset you are, you will get there. :)

Oh, and eating healthy? Well, maybe it will be easier now that you are heading into the summer.

Janet said...

So glad your tests came out well. DH quit smoking 2 years ago after having smoked for 40 plus years. I never would have believed that he could do it and keep at it this long. I'm so proud of him. So I KNOW you can do it too!! I enjoyed the post and I'm so glad I could giggle without guilt, because of the positive outcome. Take care!

lw said...

Wow, this post had me terrified until I got to the "benign lipoma" part. Whew!!!

I understand the less than exciting undies thing-- my dermatologist reminded me that it was time for my annual mole check and unfortunately, both bra and panties were not the new, pretty ones, but the old worn ones.

Deb said...

THANK GOD!!! Boy I can breath again for you, I am so thrilled it ALL came out great.
Now don't you dare put yourself through all of that again Missy!!

Helsie said...

Oh what a scarey post ! I read very quickly and now I have a headache!!
But I'm soooo glad all is well. I'm afraid I'm a bit of an ostrich too but we have to gather our courage in these times and I'm so9 glad you did . But what happens next ? Is there surgery on the cards or do you just go on with this lump? Can't imagine that!!!
Cheers ( of the hip, hip, hooray kind !)

Helen McNaught @ AuntyHennys said...

!@##$$ + $%^&* + &*()&*( -- please insert every descriptive swear word you can think of!!

Shaved legs? oh yes, I remember those:-) Painted toes - memo to self, make an appointment at the nail tech.

Now, my prescription to get over this most harrowing of weeks is...... one glass of red wine, taken nightly until you no longer remember what you went to the Doctor for!

Seriously ( and I can see that you CAN be serious!) - just look after yourself. Put yourself first for a little while and let your family give you lots of love and attention, you deserve it!

I love how you tell a story - you really should write short stories or something!! I LOVED having to read the whole saga.... granted it was bigger than Gone With the Wind, but the ending was so worth it!

Oh yes, and think of all the money you can spend on fabric once you have given up the smokes!

Shevvy said...

Only you could make such a serious post funny. Maybe you should have been having a shrink poke about in your brain rather than your hoo-ha!

Its just a relief it all okay. We will all gladly listen to you going on about your stop smoking efforts. Even if it is more trying that the kitchen.

There is a wonderdrug around that can help. One of my uncles got it from the NHS. Its horribly expensive but as he has spent the last 50 years doing nothing but drinking and smoking and buggered his heart in the process they seemed to think it was worth the money. No idea what its called but he has stopped.

Shevvy said...

Only you could make such a serious post funny. Maybe you should have been having a shrink poke about in your brain rather than your hoo-ha!

Its just a relief it all okay. We will all gladly listen to you going on about your stop smoking efforts. Even if it is more trying that the kitchen.

There is a wonderdrug around that can help. One of my uncles got it from the NHS. Its horribly expensive but as he has spent the last 50 years doing nothing but drinking and smoking and buggered his heart in the process they seemed to think it was worth the money. No idea what its called but he has stopped.

Kirsten's Cooking said...

I am beyond thankful with your results - and proud of you for committing to quitting [smoking]. So glad your cholesterol, blood pressure, and lungs are all performing as they should!

We'll all be here for you in the next phase - the phase that might just probably be a little on the grumpy side :)

Thanks for sharing - I for one think you are very brave!

Sharon said...

Glad to hear you are fine....just getting older. I have decided getting older is not for whooses! Good luck on the will not miss them in a few weeks! Have a great weekend...enjoy life!

Sharon said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anonymous said...

You must go to this blog immediately. I found another sister for us P!

Anonymous said...

You must go to this blog immediately. I found another sister for us P!

Michelle said...

Oh Mrs. P, had I known I'd have been virtually holding your hand and giving you hugs. That had to be so scary. I'm sooo glad everything turned out all right.

Baa-Me Kniits said...

OMG.... a few days later and catching up in blogland and the whole world has gone crazy!! I have to say I skipped to the end just to make sure you were ok before I went back and read the heart was in my mouth!

Thank goodness you are just getting older...and wiser it seems :-)

Good luck with the giving up the smoking, it is hard but you have lots of friends who will listen to your whinging :-)

AND Yes take yourself of for a deserve it after all that horrible prodding and poking xx

Anonymous said...

Wow! What a week! So thankful things are working out though.

vawriter said...

That will teach me to take a blog sabbatical. I come back and get the crap scared out of me by this post. You should be ashamed for toying with my emotions like that.

So very happy to know you're just old like me. Lumpy and old.

Thank you, God.

seabreezequilts said...

Glad you put your big girl panties on and did something about it, I am sure you feel so much better for having a name for the lump and just think of how much more fabric you can buy if you give up smoking. I have had my share of having to putting the big girl panties on and I do it sooner rather than later only because my mum died at 49 and she put a few dr's visits off that she shouldn't have.

Elizabeth said...

Mrs. P, you know I've been worried. So glad all is well and you have put all the prodding into the 'it is over and now I can almost laugh at it category.' Also, yay for quitting smoking. Having an addictive sort of personality (I love my favorite indulgences) I know it is going to be hard, but you can do it!

xo -E

Lane said...

Sending you all kinds of happy! Lane

Anna Whiston-Donaldson said...

Whew! This is wonderful news. Not all the poking and prodding, but you know what I mean!
xo, A

Vesuviusmama said...

I stick my head in the sand when something is wrong with me, too. Honestly, I don't have time to be sick, right? Glad to hear you are going to live. Especially since I was giggling through most of your post, and I'd have felt bad about giggling at a dying person.