Translation Tuesday -Dedicated to Bridging (or Widening) the Cultural Divide

QIMP's Guide to Speaking Aussie

In the interests of making myself understood in my posts , I usually censor what I write. I try really hard not to use too many Australian-isms. However I did a post recently where clearly my “I must censor my Australian-ness” was turned off and judging by your comments it threw a bunch of you.   And apparently Google doesn’t provide a translator function for “ Australian. “ Bummer.  Are our languages really that different? I mean after all we’re all speaking English right?

Many of you will have learnt Aussie English from Crocodile Dundee, and Steve Irwin. A hot tip here , nobody I know runs around using phrases like “Crikey”, “Strewth” and “Thats not a knife – this is a knife “ in everyday conversation. And not many people wear those naff little leather vests and hats with crocodile teeth in them either (Aussie clothing is another post and I’m still working on that one ) Thinking all Australian's are represented by crocodile wranglers , real or fictional, is like us thinking you all live like The Sopranos (particularly if you live in New Jersey ) , or that all Americans talk in Gangsta rap and that your lives are like an episode of Eastenders.

Australians are a plain speaking people. Many of us don’t use two words where only one will do. We like to give people nicknames. If your name is David, Michael or Steven you’ll be known as Dav-o, Mick or Stev-o. Tracey will be Trace, Amanda will be Mandy, and Karen will be Kazza. That’s just the way this country rolls. When introduced to an Australian you’ll never know what their actual name is. Accept it – move on. Use the nickname. My husband had to use my real name when we got married to make it legal and I’d only heard him call me by my birth name twice before that. I’m sure he's  still wondering exactly who he married.

We are really big on shortening words here. I think that’s because our country is so bloody hot most of the time  the longer your mouth is open to speak, the faster you become dehydrated. Therefore ,university becomes uni. Service station becomes servo and afternoon becomes arvo. Yeah- basically we’re lazy and trying to conserve our saliva.

So if you'll throw another prawn on the barbie, and chuck me some cackleberries , I'll pull up a stump and do some translations for ya. Afterwards we'll go for a drive to the back of beyond and grab some moo juice.

On  Common Household Items

Bogroll- toilet paper

Idiot box - television (because watching television turns you into an idiot)

Geography

All of the following terms are used to describe something that is a long way away, or in a very remote place, which in Australia is pretty much anywhere that isn't a capital city. Or somewhere that's further than 250 kilometres up the road.

Woop Woop , Beyond the black stump, Middle of nowhere , The Never Never

On gambling

Scratchy - instant lottery ticket.

One armed bandit- slot machine (because they used to have one arm you pull to make it work and they steal your money)

Chook Raffle- Chook raffles are most often run in pubs, in the afternoon after work. For about a buck you get a ticket and you can win a chicken, or a meat tray or something you can take home to placate your wife. Along with your beer breath.

On Occupations

Wharfie - dock-worker.

Firie - member of the fire brigade.

Sparkie - electrician.

Postie - postman.

Dishpig - person that washes the dishes in a restaurant

Ambo- Paramedic

Police Officer- Cop, and police station is known as the Copshop.

Garbo - garbage collector (They get paid very well in this country )

To insult somebody

Calling someone "About as useful as an ashtray on a motorbike / tits on a bull " implies they are pretty much incompetent.

Fruit loop - someone who is thought to be not the full quid

He's a six pack short of a carton - used to brand someone crazy

He has kangaroos loose in the top paddock - as above

Not the full quid - means the person is stupid

Sandwich short of a picnic - crazy

Dag - a nerd (but usually said affectionately)

To be "up yourself" is to think you're better than you actually are.

If elastic was sense he wouldn’t have enough to make a budgies garter...he's stupid

Wow ! There are so many ways to insult people in Australia !

On Transport and Driving

Service Station- Gas station

Gas- Petrol

Ute - The Australian version of a pickup truck

Shank's Pony - to walk somewhere

Pedal to the metal - driving fast
Prang - a vehicular accident

SUV - 4 wheel drives.

Chuck a u-ey- Turn around 180 degrees.

Yank tank - Large American car.

On drinking alcohol

Turps, hit the - go on a drinking binge.

Grog - booze, alcohol.

Blotto/Legless  - very drunk.

Bottlo- the liquor shop

Beer O clock -in Australia it's always Beer O Clock !

To crack a tinnie- open a beer

On being sick /ill/hungover

Spewing - vomitting

Heave - to vomit.

Crook -To be sick (not necessarily alcohol related )

Chuck, chunder, spew , do a Technicolour yawn, upchuck or to drive the porcelain bus all indicate vomitting

Chuckin'  a sickie - take a day off work (usually used when you pretend to be sick and do something pleasurable like go to the beach or the cricket  for the day instead )

On illegal activity

Five-finger discount -  shoplifting.

Shonky-dubious, or not the genuine article

Crook - slang for a criminal type or someone who duds you

On emotion

Spewin' - very angry.

Dummy spit -  to get very angry and lose it totally

Doing your block-Losing your cool.

On swearing

Words the rest of the world thinks are swear words aren't swear words here. Seriously. None of the phrases below are swears here. Actually if I listed all the things that aren't swears here you'd probably fall asleep halfway through ...

Bloody Oath - I'm telling you the truth

Give it a rest - Shut up

Pig's arse! -: I don't agree with you

Piece of piss - an  easy task.

To be Up shit creek without a paddle  means you're having a problem or you're really  stuck.

 

I hope you feel more confident about visiting our country now you know the lingo. Now, for practice I want you all to write a post using 10  Aussie words  because it would be kinda cool not to run every single post you all  write through Google Translator.

P.S. It took me about 45 minutes to spell check this post because Blogger didn't recognise about 90% of it....

Translation Tuesday -Dedicated to Bridging (or Widening) the Cultural Divide

ROAD TRIP AUSSIE STYLE !!!!!!!!!!

When I think about other countries there are always landmark images that spring to my mind. Iconic, Beautiful and quintessentially of that particular country. If I ever go to America I’m going to do a road trip and go and check out Mount Rushmore and the Grand Canyon.In France I'd visit  the Eiffel Tower, and vineyards at Bordeaux.And a  road trip in England would have to include  Big Ben and Stonehenge.

Let me tell you what Australians think about when we plan  a road trip. It’s not Uluru or the  Daintree Rain Forests. It’s BIG things. Freakishly big things. We are obsessed in this country with making things big that should be normal sized. And then plonking them by the roadside to scare the crap out of unsuspecting tourists. And then making them buy tacky souvenirs of the BIG thing they've just visited. I know there is some place in America that has the world biggest ball of string, but really our  big stuff beats that hands down.

We are inordinately proud of our BIG things here. So proud in fact that we have about 150 of them scattered across the country. And it is the law that they must be referred to in conversation and in writing prefaced by the word BIG – just like that in capitals. Naturally we have a BIG kangaroo, and a BIG koala and other BIG marsupials  but we also have some other random big things that are pretty darn funny. And some are just plain bloody ridiculous.

Does that koala look like he's about to go postal? Imagine bombing along the Highway and coming across that round a corner in the middle of nowhere.

 
So, grab some beer and a pizza,pack your salty pretzels and come with me on an  Aussie Road Trip to check out some of our BIG things.

First stop is 20 minutes from my house at the BIG rocking horse  which stands 18 metres (60 feet) high. Can you imagine cleaning up poop from that?

What road trip would be complete without the BIG red back spider. Scary shit. Literally.  That's a dunny it's perched on  in parody of a very famous Australian song called "Redback on the Toilet Seat" . Google it...

Next stop is the big rolling pin. I'm seeing giant pies ....Mmmmmmmmmm...Pie.

Yes we have a Big Pie too!

The Big Mower. I have to ask ...why? About now I need to stop for a toilet break and some greasy roadhouse food because I haven't eaten since the big rolling pin.

 
 

 
 

Fruit Salad anyone? The Big Fruit Bowl. I'm driving straight past because I filled up at the big pie.

 
 

 

We also have the Big Banana , The Big Orange and The Big Pineapple.

 
Seafood anyone? ..The Big Lobster reminds me of something  from a  Japanese monster movie from the 1950's. My parents used to live 15 minutes from Larry here. When you've seen him 4 million times he ceases to be exciting.
 
 

The Big Trout  (looks like a dolphin to me )

The big Prawn ( aka Big Shrimp- which is actually an oxymoron because shrimp is small and this is HUGE )

 
 

 
 

Only in Australia can you road trip it  to the big cigarette...seriously. Just looking at it makes me want to smoke.

 
 

 

The Big Beer ...(in Darwin of course)

 
 

The Big Bottle of Bundy (Bundaberg Rum) Imagine the hangover that would give you...

May I present the Big Stubby ( a stubby is a bottle of beer)

The BIG camera.

 
 
 

The Big Poo ..

 
 

 

 We love our big things. And if you laugh at us, we'll kick your butt with our big gumboot.

 

 

 

Good Bye from Australia's Big Things ...all 150 of them.

 

 

There 's nothing like a country with a sense of humour. Thank Goodness we can laugh at ourselves.

Translation Tuesday -Dedicated to Bridging (or Widening) the Cultural Divide

I've mentioned before that Australia is a big country. I've mentioned our outback, and our vast-ness. Some places are remote and most of us live crowded along the coastline. I still don't feel I've given people a sense of how big our country is - or where everything is located. Sure- you know the outback is a large piece of nothing straight up the guts with a massive rock in the middle of it , but where is everything else? The following map and the joke that follows came to me last week via my email (I'm really sorry that I can't reference the source of the joke) and I think it sums up Australia and Australians pretty much spot on. It had to be a Translation Tuesday post!

Being Australian is about driving in a German car to an Irish pub for a Belgian beer, then on the way home, grabbing an Indian curry or a Turkish kebab, to sit on Swedish furniture and watch American shows on a Japanese TV. Oh and only in Australia  can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.Only in Australia do banks leave both doors wide open and chain the pens to the counters. Only in Australia do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and lock our junk and cheap lawn mower in the garage.

Thank Goodness we Australians have a sense of humour.  I'll be back next week with my own unique slant on Australian -isms!

Translation Tuesday -Dedicated to Bridging (or Widening) the Cultural Divide

In the olden days people used to trade cows , skins and crops for the other things they needed. At some point it became inconvenient to go to Maccas, order an upsized Triple Cheeseburger meal , and pay for it with a pumpkin and so money was invented.

In the early days of colonial Australia we used to pay for things with rum, rabbits,  bartering or even foreign currency. It wasn’t until 1913 that the first series of federally released Australian notes became available and even then we modelled our currency on the English system of pounds, shillings and pence. By 1966 we were pretty much sick of anything English, and we were trying to annoy the Queen so we decided to get jiggy with it and introduce decimal currency  because we secretly wanted to be America. Australia at that time didn’t have many original ideas. And so began Australia’s love affair with Australian dollars and cents on Valentine’s Day 1966.

By the early 1990's,  when you could no longer buy 17 mixed lollies for one  cent,   there was just no point in having a one cent  piece, so we gave them up in 1994. And since we were on a roll- we nixed the 2 cent piece while we were at it.   If you buy something here that’s $19.98 they just round it up to an even twenty.  If you buy something for $19.97 they round it down to $19.95, so you get 2 cents for free. Don't worry, It all evens out in the end- I’ve been keeping a tally since the system started.  

We gave up one dollar bills for lent in 1984 and never got them back and someone stole every two dollar bill in the country in 1988 and replaced them with coins. Trust  me- 10 dollars in coins looks a lot more pov than 10 dollars in notes. Consequently a lot of $1 and $2 coins end up in piggybanks. I am convinced this is  all  part of a secret government plot to get us to self fund retirement.

Plus we don't have quarters either. We have a measley 20 cent piece. And a 5 cent piece.  Sometimes, I feel completely ripped off.

People from overseas think our money is funny. It looks different and feels different to other money. One of the first  original ideas we ever had  besides popularising eating lamb and inventing AFL Football was to print money on plastic. That’s why it feels funny. Yes- our money is plastic. It foils counterfeiters better or something.  I’ve heard it said by visitors to our country that Australian money looks like Monopoly money. I can assure you it doesn't.  It's like we looked at Monopoly money  and said "Let's outdo Monopoly Money". If you aren't used to it - I Implore you not to look directly at our money because it will blind you. It's like Vegemite, you have to be exposed from infancy to survive the experience.

 Please put your sunglasses on now. This is Monopoly money...

This is Australian money. It out-rainbows Monopoly money every time.  

I know it looks weird to you but it spends exactly the same as other money. Sometimes faster. It doesn't appear to buy as much as money from other countries,with the exception of New Zealand where we get an awesome exchange rate which is why we all go there for holidays. Plus they speak like us too. Mostly. Except for that weird e and u substitution thing they have going. It makes six sound like "sex" or "sucks". I digress.

Goods do tend to cost more here. I was asked last week whether we import everything except sheep and whether that explains why a book an American  can buy for 25.00USD costs me 55.00AUD.  I think we do import everything. We're all too busy having public holidays and annual leave days off work to manufacture anything here.   Cherry Coke, Cheerios , and Gangsta Rap are all imported from America and I suspect they are to be blamed for our  poor dollar performance against the greenback.  In return we gave you Vegemite, Crocodile Dundee and Yahoo Serious. Fair's fair-we understand you didn't get the joke. But there's no need to wreck our economy with your imports.

The good news for overseas visitors is that once you convert say 50 of your monies to Australian dollars you can pretty much buy a brand  new car.  Especially if you only want a Hyundai.

So to sum up:

• Australian money is pretty to look at  and easy to use if you're drunk because it's all different sizes and colours.
• Australian money doesn't buy as much as other money seems to. Unless you're buying beer. And unless you're in Mexico where I hear you can get a 12 pack of Sol for about 2 bucks.  
• Our government periodically finds itself in debt , and decides to get rid of another coin denomination  so they can round everything up to the nearest 5 or 10 cents  , thereby silently taxing us further but effectively saving our economy
• And if you want proper financial or economic advice or an explanation of the AUD you probably shouldn't be taking this post as the literal truth. Consult your accountant or financial advisor. 

P.S. vawriter ...the precise number of sheep in Australia is 120, 123,963. Mr. P and I are exhausted from all that counting.

Translation Tuesday -Dedicated to Bridging (or Widening) the Cultural Divide

Tracey Chapman had a smash hit in the 1988 with the song "Fast Car". Steve Martin and John Candy starred in a movie entitled "Planes, Trains and Automobiles" The Who sang about a Magic Bus, and road trip movies always rate well at the box office. Even Steven Speilberg made a movie about a cranky truck driver called "Duel".  The world is obsessed with things that have wheels.

 Australia has the fourth highest number of cars in the world, which is pretty amazing when you consider our population is only 20 million people. Apparently we're all lazy or our public transport network sucks or something because there are about 13 million cars on the roads here. And in peak hour they all seem to be heading in the same direction as me at the same time I am. What's up with that?

In Australia we drive on the opposite side of the road to the majority of the rest of the world because we like to be different. We’re leaders – not followers. Actually pretty much anywhere that is part of Britain or used to be part of Britain drive on the left side of the road. (with the exception of Canada . Hey Canada what’s up with that? Normally you’re so cool with your maple syrup and awesome bacon and Canadians acting all laid back just like Australians)

Way back when, it was decided that Australians had to drive on the left side of the road because kangaroos are only able to jump to the right , so there is much less likelihood that if you’re on the left that you’ll collide with a kangaroo on the open road. And so left handed driving was made into law.

Ok, I just made that up.

Actually I think it’s because our steering wheels are on what the rest of you would consider the passenger side of the car. And because I like to bring you hard hitting Translation Tuesday posts based on research and evidence I took a picture of my car today because I was sure you wouldn’t believe me. That you'd think this is just some urban myth or that I was pulling your leg.   Yes that’s Australian dirt and dust in my car and for the really astute thats what an overflowing ashtray looks like ...

Tonight I took a picture of my drive home from work. See?  Cars on the  left side of the road.How many people are freaking out right now looking at that picture because it looks so wrong? Well to us it looks perfectly normal.

 

Heads up rest of the world - you are doing it wrong. You are driving on the wrong side of the road.

Our other transport oddity , is that in Adelaide we also  have the O-Bahn. The O-Bahn is world's  longest guided bus way  which basically means some buses pretend they’re trains and run along a guided concrete track. The buses travel at approximately one million kilometres per hour. We like fast here. The drive from the city to my suburb takes approximately 2.3 seconds and I live in the foothills/outer suburbs.

Disclaimer: The O'Bahn doesnt really run at one million kilometres per hour. That would practically enable time travel which would be kinda cool but still only exists in science fiction....

Translation Tuesday -Dedicated to Bridging (or Widening) the Cultural Divide

Fearsome Creatures

Overseas Tourism advertisements for Australia invariably show our cute wildlife, sunny weather, the Outback, smiling people, seafood and fabulous golden sandy beaches. Australia is awesome.

Australia is also home to some of the most fearsome creatures on earth. You’ve all heard me joke about our creepy crawlies. People, I am not joking. You risk imminent death just stepping out the front door to go to the letterbox in the mornings. I’m amazed the majority of us survive to adulthood.

I guess Aussies are just  a tough bunch. And since we’re a no fuss kind of people, we just accept that we co-exist with multiple things that can kill us at any given moment and that nowhere is 100% safe. We just go about our business and rarely does anything fatal happen. But tourists – well that’s another matter. You don’t have the inbred antenna for danger we have and consequently some of you end up , well, kind of dead...

Wouldn’t it be fun if they ran an ad campaign that told it like it really is. The problem with that is that nobody would ever come to visit. So I'm going to give you the run down on Australia's fearsome creatures so you know what to avoid when you get here.

My first free piece of advice is you can’t poke a crocodile with a stick. Nor can you jump on them, blow raspberries in their faces, or scream "na na nee nar nar" at them. They don’t like it. They just don’t have a sense of humour . Crocodiles can't take a joke. And like elephants they have long memories. Piss off a crocodile and they’ll wait 20 years to pay you back. Plus crocodiles think you taste like chicken. All that's missing is the barbecue sauce.

( Cue Jaws theme song here )The heads up on white pointer sharks ? If you’re in their water space they’ll eat you. That’s the rule. To them , you’re just a Big Mac. A flailing trying to pointlessly get out of their way Big Mac. With secret sauce.

The skiing and swimming here is totally awesome . Our beaches are golden and sandy and our water is clear and warm. Just like on the ads. You just need to avoid the sting rays, stone fish, blue bottles, blue ringed octopus, stingers and poisonous jelly fish. Some of these things will kill you seriously, agonisingly dead within minutes. Or seriously screw up your holiday with a hospital stay. Another piece of free advice- load up on hospital insurance.

Any bushland is TEEMING with snakes. Bushland here is any garden over three square feet.  Of the ten most deadly snake species  in the world, 5 of them call Australia home. And those bas****s will chase you. Practice your four minute mile and the duck and weave before you leave home people.  We also have flying snakes, swimming snakes and sneaky snakes.  Give nature a miss on your travels. Our bushland is highly over rated.

You will not be safe indoors. We have redbacks, funnel webs and mouse spiders ( so named because they are the size of a large mouse or because they eat mice – I forget which ) The laws of physics  say a spider that is 8 inches across CAN fit in  a crack under a door  1/4 of a inch wide. (I wish I could suck my guts in like that ) Always check under your outdoor chairs before you sit down. Redbacks in particular like to make nests under chairs and breed about 1387 babies at a time. Approximately every 24 hours.  If you get bitten, you should be fine because we have developed anti venom, providing you get to a hospital within 20 minutes and don’t panic in the meantime (panic makes the venom race through your bloodstream faster). Practice your zen like state before you arrive. We also have jumping spiders. I encountered one of these on my patio a month ago. They are called jumping spiders because that’s what you’ll do (onto a table if you’re like me ) when you encounter something with 8 legs roughly the size of a basketball. You will probably also piss your pants so bring Depends, or buy some when you get here. Just in case.

Bulldog ants grow to approximately 1.5 inches long. They love picnics.  If one of these approaches you – just surrender your sandwich,  fried chicken , lamingtons and your wallet and nobody will get hurt.   We also breed flies the size of volkswagons here and those suckers bite. I once got bit on Green Island in Queensland and the pain was worse than childbirth.

Those cute kangaroos you see on the ads...don’t be fooled. Ever been sucker punched by a kangaroo? They fight dirty.  I’ve been chased by a rabid emu too. Scary. You can’t outrun an emu. I had to pretend to be a bigger emu by making my hand into the shape of an emu head and holding it up in the air. (it worked -Emu's are fast but kinda stupid)  And Koalas? Sure they look cute. The truth is they're  whacked off their faces from all the gum leaves they eat and can’t control their own bladders. Koalas will pee on you ladies and gentlemen. Just like a 90 year old lady in a nursing home, and they’ll have the same amount of shame about it.

 

So by all means come for a visit, but the plain cold hard facts are that  some of you are going to end up as a wildlife food.  Maybe if you brought a lot of Oreo's  I would consider being your personal bodyguard for  the duration of your stay...or I hear if you rub vegemite all over your body it acts as a talisman against the fearsome creatures but I've never tried it because I'm not gullible like that.

Tourism Australia is sooooooooo going to sue my arse off for this post .. You guys know I'm just joshing about all of this dont you?  But if you see a bunyip in the wild - run. My sister saw a bunyip 35 years ago and she's still in  therapy. Oh and watch out for  the drop bears too....

Translation Tuesday -Dedicated to Bridging (or Widening) the Cultural Divide

Australian's eat weird things. It's an indisputable fact. In Australia we have emu burgers, you really can buy crocodile kebabs, and you can even buy chocolate covered ants here . I guess this eating anything thing is now inbred into our genetics. We even eat sharks if they don't eat us first.

I know I said that my next Translation Tuesday post wouldn’t be about food and I do have another one lined up that is about non edible stuff , but this post is crying out to be written.  I feel the need to confess one of my wierd food habits. Since we're friends and all.

Back in 1788 Merry Old England had a law and order problem with full jails and a lot of poor people who were stealing bread to feed their families. You could get 7 years jail for flogging a loaf of bread  back then. Perhaps it was gold dipped bread- I dont know. 7 years certainly seems excessive. I could  steal a BMW now and probably get cannonised for my efforts.  Anyway, the English government of the time decided to banish their poor and lawless to the other side of the earth as convict labour to settle Australia, a harsh and forbidding land, figuring the chances were slim any of those people would ever be able to afford to set sail back to England again even when their time was served.  If they survived. There are lots of nasty creatures in Australia, but that is fodder for another amusing blog post.  Transportation to the colonies was a novel way of getting rid of your scumbags once and for all. I'm pretty sure Canada shipped a few convicts over here as well.   And if convicts died of scurvy, dysentry or some other awful disease that liked to run rampant on ships where people lived in close quarters and pretty revolting conditions  on the 4 month journey who really gave a rats?

These people became known as Australians. Australia now numbers around 20 million scumbags, and is a way cooler place to live than England, (although possibly not better than Canada)  as evidenced by all the British people who want to emigrate here. And that's because we have beaches, and soft white sand, the outback, cute koalas , the Australian Football League, meat pies,  awesome weather even in winter even though we all complain about the cold (anything below 60F here is cold) , and we have really really  cool accents.  Sucked in England.

The first fleet to set sail to Australia woefully under planned. They brought rum, which explains our love of alcohol, about 1000 convicts and 44 sheep, one  hoe,  a handful of seeds, 4 cows  and clothes for cold weather.   That was about it. When they finally got here they were quick to run out of food. There were no McDonald’s in those days and nobody could pop home to their Mum's for dinner because Mum was back in England.  So began the Australian custom of eating weird stuff like kangaroo stew, emu fries , snake pies, and echidna burgers. OK, I took a little bit of poetic licence there but basically if you could run it down  you ate.  If you couldn’t you starved. Life was tough.

Fast forward to a time when you don’t have to catch your own food and we’ve picked the convict boat splinters out of our national psyche. We still eat weird things. Who in their right mind would eat Vegemite unless they were dared to? (Cynthia - I have to say that video NEVER gets old. I've sent it to everyone in my address book. It still makes me snort coffee through my nose every single time I watch it. )  

 One delicacy  here is frogs, although I think that might only apply to my corner of Australia.  Those wussy French people only eat the legs. Pussies. Plus they smother theirs in butter and garlic sauce to disguise the taste.   We eat the WHOLE frog, a la natural.  I swear. In fact I ate a whole frog last night, and I decided to take a picture to prove it to you.

I myself am not fussy , I prefer green frogs , but I’ll eat brown if it’s the only type available.  The absolute best part is the head. And the only way to eat them is to pull it apart with your bare hands, eat it in two sections and save the head for last.

I get that by now many of you are completely grossed out and are considering dumping me from your blog roll. Why would anyone eat a sweet innocent frog? And aren't some of those frogs endangered species? Calm down - we dont eat the almost extinct ones. We do have some understanding of ecological balance.  And there is a raging market in breeding these frogs for human consumption. Supply and demand my friends - supply and demand.

If you're sqeamish - look away now. If you aren't, scroll down ....

Every single one of you is still here arent you? Waiting to see what stunt I'm going to pull.....It's like a train crash - you can't look away.

Here is  the frog I ate last night

 And here are the frogs we served at our wedding .

As if I'd eat a real frog. Bless you Balfours for making these frog cakes, which are my absolute favourites.

Happy Translation Tuesday. I'm back.

Translation Tuesday -Dedicated to Bridging (or Widening) the Cultural Divide

This one is for you Brenda.

Cooeeeee Cobbers! Since it seems my last Translation Tuesday post about Vegemite , while popular, really grossed people out, I'm atoning this week with something everyone should be able to  enjoy.

Last week , I mentioned Lamingtons and Brenda asked what they were. Lamingtons are Australian tea cakes. There is debate about their origin but they seem to have been around since at least the early 1900’s, so that makes the recipe over 100 years old. And we Aussies are still eating them. Not the same original ones, which would no doubt be petrified by now-but new batches of lovely lamingtons.  If you think of Lamingtons as the Aussie version of Brownies you'll  have a fair idea of their iconic-ness. (I'm pretty sure I just made that word up)

By the way , making Lamingtons is a REALLY messy business. You’re probably going to end up with stuff everywhere , or perhaps that's just me. I'm just warning you. The mess is worth it.

This recipe is taken from the Green and Gold cookbook, which is a South Aussie icon, first published in 1923. It is now in it’s 36th edition and over ½ a million copies have been sold. I love old cookbooks and inherited some from my Nanna when she passed away in 2008. I make things from them all the time.  Enough with the history and on with the post.

You can either do the cake for this recipe from scratch or you can buy a box/packet  cake which will make it easier. Regardless of whether you choose a box cake or make your own, make it the day before you want to eat these lamingtons, because it really is better if the cake is not fresh. Trust me on this. And, if you go box cake , get something that is dense like butter, madeira or pound cake. Sponge or light cake doesn’t work nearly as well (although you do see lamingtons made from sponge  all the time at bakeries here - and in my opinion they arent true lamingtons- too fluffy.)

If you use a box cake then you can skip down to the dipping part of this post. For the rest of us you will need:

225 grams (1 cup ) butter
1 and 1/2 cups of white sugar ( I used castor because I ran out of regular)
4 eggs        
1 cup of milk                                                             
3 cups of Self Raising Flour

This makes two 8x8 inch square cakes. So if you only want one halve the recipe. I bake two and throw one whole cake in the freezer so I don't have to go through this  trauma next time I want lamingtons. Excuse my picture quality because my kitchen was really dark even with the lights on  when I took these pictures because it was overcast outside. When I get my new kitchen, I'm sure the weather will be sunny all the time... 

Cream the butter and sugar

Add eggs two at a time beating well between additions.

then chuck in your milk and flour and beat until well combined and you'll end up with this

Mmmmmmmmmm.....

Chuck it in a greased 8 x 8 inch pan (or two if you didn't halve the recipe  )  and turf it in the oven on about 190C (around 350-375F) for about 35-45 minutes. Cooking time  will depend on whether you have one of the awesome fan forced ovens or not, whether it's a full moon, or whether your oven is possessed by evil baking spirits. Do the spring back test to check for cooked-ness. (It would appear I am making up words left right and centre today)

Then leave the cake to cool on a  rack and store it in the fridge or a tupperware container on a bench for 12-24 hours.

OK,  box cake cheaters, you can come back now because this is the stuff you need to know.

Meanwhile back at the ranch , it is now the next day.Cut all the side edges off your cake and cut it into 12 or 16 squares of roughly the same size. I usually go 12 squares because you get a bigger lamington, but I didn't want to convey the idea that I was piggy for this post so I did 16 squares (but I just confessed to liking my lamingtons BIG so you know I'm piggy anyway so that was kind of pointless really)

In a deep bowl , mix around 5 cups of icing sugar and around 4 tablespoons of cocoa powder.

Then add a tablespoon or two of boiling water or cold milk and mix it up. You want it to be sloppy enough to dip your cake squares , but  not so sloppy that it won't soak into them. I like my mix a little bit more dense. Just keep adding water/milk and icing sugar till you get the right consistency. This amount of slop wonderful chocolate mix is enough to do 1 cake worth of lamingtons. Mine looked like this

In another bowl add about three cups of coconut. Don't put the coconut away because you may need more. It's surprising how much coconut you need. I often marvel at where it all goes...

Dip the cake squares  in the chocolate mix making sure to coat every surface  and let the excess drain away.  Then throw it in the coconut and roll it around covering all the surfaces, and then put it on a wire  rack to dry. I pretty much soak each cake square in there for a minute or so  to soak up all that chocolatey goodness.

It's actually really hard to dip with one hand, roll in coconut with the other hand and take pictures...It was inevitable I would end up with coconut all over my camera.

When you're done this is what you'll have

Voila! Lamingtons!

Plus mess...

The beauty of these cakes is that if you have a stale pound or madeira cake you can make lamingtons out of it . Beat that Nigella. These will keep for 2-3 days in a sealed container. And if you aren't talking like an Aussie by the time you finish eating these, there's something wrong with you. It is imperative to say Aussie type things while eating lamingtons, such as "Beaudy" and "Crikey". If you don't your head might explode.

Another tip: Make sure you don’t eat these in the dark.....

And also if you type coconut fast like I do , sometimes a bad word appears as a typo. Sorry if any of those got through. I did check carefully but accidents happen.

And Vegemite won't make your butt fat but lamingtons probably will.  

Translation Tuesday -Dedicated to Bridging (or Widening) the Cultural Divide

In the interests of international relations , I bring you “Translation Tuesday” where I’m going to explain all our Aussie-isms. I get a lot of questions and emails about stuff I post and  I want you to understand  all the weird stuff we have here, which by the way, doesn't seem weird to us.

It is appropriate I start with an Australian Icon and something I mention often.I give you Vegemite. This black crap in a jar is liquid gold and has a place in 90% of Australian pantries.

Vegemite is particularly  topical at present  because I sent Cynthia some vegemite recently (does that make me a Vegemite pusher?) and she’s avoiding eating it because of all the negative publicity Vegemite continues to get from non vegemite-o-philes. (Glares in Marg's general direction ) Cynthia practically stood in another state while she got her partner  to open the jar, like she was afraid snakes were going to jump out.  I fear Vegemite has a bad rep and is completely misunderstood. And ,  I don't find the vegemite bashing funny...Vegemite and Australians  have feelings you know. Do I diss Cheese Whizz? Graham Crackers? Other weird international products? (Except for rollmops - which really are gross - Sorry Finland but I aint never coming to the party on those and I'm part Finnish and eat a lot of weird things - just check out my Slack Tea Thursday posts)

Let me explain Vegemite to you. In Australia, from the time we’re old enough to gum toast our mothers slap this spread on bread and toast, or on our crumpets, or on our crackers or even on Weetbix.  Some might call that child abuse. Real Aussies call that breakfast. None of that wussy Peanut Butter and Jelly for us Aussies. We want something that's going to shock us awake and harden our arteries at the same time. Because we are a wild and crazy race, given to eating almost anything including  our national animal  symbols like Kangaroos, Emu's  and Crocodiles. You can buy them at the supermarket. I can't imagine American's eating a bald eagle. I rest my case.

Vegemite  has magical healing properties folks. I ask you is it coincidence that we have no leprosy, diptheria or scarlet fever in this country? I think not – it’s all down to the daily use of vegemite by about 90% of the population. Vegemite is a wonder spread.

Now, some of you have made disparaging comments about vegemite. Based on what ? The fact it tastes like road tar?  Looks like road tar? Tastes like salt on toast?  It's delicious and high in Vitamin B.

Vegemite was invented in 1922.  The guy who invented it wanted to find a way to use the yeasty scum they scrape off the top of fermenting beer. Australian’s are inventive that way. Waste not – want not. By some odd process it turns black and then they add about 5 pounds of salt to every jar to really funk it up. My Dad used to joke that they also used beetle blood to turn it black but I’m pretty sure thats not true. (Yep just checked the jar and beetle blood isn't listed as an ingredient -my Dad is such a kidder)

Personally I can't believe this stuff hasn't caught in internationally like Fosters  beer, which in my opinion tastes WAYYYYYYYYY worse.

Considering the Billionth Jar of Vegemite was produced in October 2008, how can that many vegemite lovers be wrong?  And for any Australian who says they don’t like it – well thats just plain un-Australian. We actually round up people who say they don’t like vegemite and make them go live in exile in the desert.

To further help you, I have added this awesome tutorial on how to make vegemite toast..Cynthia , this is required reading for you and there will be a pop quiz later  , so take notes.

Tutorial – Vegemite Toast

You will need: A Toaster, Bread, Vegemite and Butter (see how simple vegemite makes things?)

Cook your bread to desired golden-ness and spread with butter. How much butter you spread is totally up to you ...I love butter so I go a bit crazy.

Spread with vegemite , as desired. On the left is a normal person's amount of vegemite . On the right is my vegemite. (because I am tough  and can't stand it when people wave the knife full of vegemite over the top of the toast and pretend they actually put some on there  )

it's that simple. Enjoy! This is the good-est stuff ever.

Actually  I lied....this is how I really spread my vegemite but I didn't want to gross you all out.

Seriously though, If you haven’t built up an immunity from Vegemite by the time you’re three years old, eating this shit will probably kill you. You’ll never develop a taste for it. But I think you should try it anyway and get someone to take a picture of your face when you take the first bite.

I hope you have a better understanding of the Australian love for Vegemite. Please email me with questions or Comments...or if you want a vegemite delivery.


P.S. This blog post is brought to you by the letter V and by an idea suggested by beautiful Marg from Sunshine?Paradise?, which I completely stole, after asking her if I could , which isn't really stealing then is it?