Translation Tuesday -Dedicated to Bridging (or Widening) the Cultural Divide

I've mentioned before that Australia is a big country. I've mentioned our outback, and our vast-ness. Some places are remote and most of us live crowded along the coastline. I still don't feel I've given people a sense of how big our country is - or where everything is located. Sure- you know the outback is a large piece of nothing straight up the guts with a massive rock in the middle of it , but where is everything else? The following map and the joke that follows came to me last week via my email (I'm really sorry that I can't reference the source of the joke) and I think it sums up Australia and Australians pretty much spot on. It had to be a Translation Tuesday post!

Being Australian is about driving in a German car to an Irish pub for a Belgian beer, then on the way home, grabbing an Indian curry or a Turkish kebab, to sit on Swedish furniture and watch American shows on a Japanese TV. Oh and only in Australia  can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.Only in Australia do banks leave both doors wide open and chain the pens to the counters. Only in Australia do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and lock our junk and cheap lawn mower in the garage.

Thank Goodness we Australians have a sense of humour.  I'll be back next week with my own unique slant on Australian -isms!

Snowball Night- Week 2 And a Bit of Randomness...

If I go AWOL  this week, it's not because something nefarious  happened, (like Mr. P went crazy and threw me down a mine shaft) it's just that I may be incredibly busy for no other reason than I'm incredibly busy. Do you guys ever have weeks like that? Where LIFE seems to be throwing all sorts of busy at you? Yep? I can feel this week is going to be like that. Like last week.

Karen over at Sew Many Ways is hosting a quilt-along for participants  to share the process of making a snowball quilt. The idea is to pick a night and make snowball blocks. Monday's are my check in day so I can share my progress with the group, so here is my wrap up of Week 2. If you want to hop on over the Karen's blog just click the picture above.

This week I was confident  I would power along but last week's "busy" totally thwarted my plan.  I sewed once from last Monday to Saturday.  And then I didn't use the time to do snowball blocks.  I made a quilt top for Little P.

So my grand total for this week is 9 blocks which I still havent squared up! Methinks I better make a bigger effort for next week. 

I'm having fun blog hopping and having a squizzy at what other people are doing. It's really hard imagining what all these quilts are going to look like when they're all finished. They're all so different. Marg wrote a hilarious post about her progress and you can check it out here. I think she's having the most fun out of all of us.

 

P.S. It's 16 days until my sister arrives.

A Fast Finish

Some days you just want to create something that you can finish fast. Since I have so many long term projects on the go - the kitchen, snowball quilt, circle quilt, stripping kitchen chairs and tables for example ,this weekend I felt the need to do something that I could finish before the end of the weekend. Just so I could have that "I am so totally wonderful because I sorta finished something" feeling.

So , with the house to myself (theoretically no interruptions..........whoooooooo hoooooooo) I set out to create something I could finish. Many interruptions later ( I forgot about the phone) I came up with this.

The fabric  is Love U by Deb Strain for Moda.  I just took one look at this happy fabric and knew Little P wanted me to buy it to make his 1st birthday quilt.Now it just needs to be basted. I'm going to give spray basting a crack for the first time EVER - I'm just waiting for the quilt police to arrive to arrest me.

 And yes I did just finish his actual birth quilt (you can't rush genius apparently)  so I'm trying to be organised for his 1st birthday. 

And the best part about all of this is that since I bought a layer cake and a jelly roll, I have enough Love U  fabric left over to make one of these for a little girl as well.  If I knew anyone with a girl- which I don't . So I suppose this fabric will end up in my stash for a while.

P.S. The quilt top is not as warpy as it looks..it's on my unmade lumpy bed.

Slack Tea Thursday

I wanted to have chicken breast tenders tonight smothered in garlic cream sauce. With chips. Easy enough to get the frozen tenders on the way home already crumbed, grab some chips from the takeaway and bang up the garlic sauce in about three minutes when I walked in the door. (which is coincidentally about how long it would take to crisp up the chicken bits) Ten minute dinner is still slack if 7 minutes of that is actually procuring the dinner.  But then I had another thought. And that is what gets me into trouble every single  time. Thinking.

Tonight since I wasn't utterly exhausted as usual from THE WEEK AT WORK (work is always referred to in capitals at our place) , and because I wanted something that wasn't a promite sandwich or pickles on a plate and because we're saving money this month,  I decided to give my own shallot pancakes a go. I know I had these a couple of weeks ago but those were store bought from the Thai takeaway.Since then I've been stalking with  my best mate google looking for a recipe. And I finally found one that looked like the ones I get from Stuff You Round Thai so I was totally set.

And Slack Thursday is about keeping it real isn't it?  I mean I could take a picture of all the slack meals I ever have like Maccas, and pumpkin seeds  and breakfast cereal and just post them randomly pretending that's what I ate - but that would be a lie. This is Raw and Real Slack Tea Thursday.

So I made the flour and water dough, chopped shallots  (this took less than 5 minutes) and sat on my behind for 30 minutes waiting for the dough to do it's thing. There really is nothing slacker than flour and water and a handful of spring onions right? So far so good. I rolled out those discs, added some onions and rolled them back up . (This took only another 5 minutes) Then they went for a bath in hot bubbling oil. (As an aside: I'm actually really upset that when I die if they cut me open I wont be able to oooh and aah over the shocking state of my arteries but there isn't anything I can do about that - I know I'm supposed to care but about 99% of the time I don't)

And this is what I ended up with. Not exactly looking like the ones from Stuff You Round Thai but I was confident I had hit the jackpot. I could smell them and taste them even before I had my first bite. Ha ! Take that Thai restaurant. I don't need you anymore.

 

They were sublimely  yuk! Completely disgusting. An unmitigated disaster.  They were hard on the outside and doughy on the inside. I couldn't even taste the freaking shallots. And they weren't light and  melt in the mouth either. I was utterly deflated. And still dinner-less because there was no way I was going to eat them.

After I'd stopped uncontrollably sobbing I realised that like the greatest lemon cheesecake recipe of all time, which took me 10 years to find and about 83 cheesecake making sessions to perfect,  the shallot pancake recipe will materialise just when I've given up hope of ever finding it. It's cool. I survived before I knew of the existence of shallot pancakes (even if it was half a life)

And what have I learned from this experience? Trust your instincts. Sometimes on a higher level of consciousness your stomach knows your shallot pancakes are gonna suck , that's why it suggested chicken tenders  in the first place. And, you can have the dinner of your dreams if the shops are only two minutes away and you don't mind nipping out  at 7pm to get chicken tenders and cream and then coming home and cooking it all.

I am seriously considering re-naming Slack Tea Thursday to Thursday Tea Adventures. There was nothing slack about this dinner. Two dinners actually ,  if you count the disgusting dough balls.....

And now I'm off to do these dishes...and clean my benchtops and look for another shallot pancake recipe. And eat chocolate for dessert. Probably a whole freaking block of it.

Translation Tuesday -Dedicated to Bridging (or Widening) the Cultural Divide

In the olden days people used to trade cows , skins and crops for the other things they needed. At some point it became inconvenient to go to Maccas, order an upsized Triple Cheeseburger meal , and pay for it with a pumpkin and so money was invented.

In the early days of colonial Australia we used to pay for things with rum, rabbits,  bartering or even foreign currency. It wasn’t until 1913 that the first series of federally released Australian notes became available and even then we modelled our currency on the English system of pounds, shillings and pence. By 1966 we were pretty much sick of anything English, and we were trying to annoy the Queen so we decided to get jiggy with it and introduce decimal currency  because we secretly wanted to be America. Australia at that time didn’t have many original ideas. And so began Australia’s love affair with Australian dollars and cents on Valentine’s Day 1966.

By the early 1990's,  when you could no longer buy 17 mixed lollies for one  cent,   there was just no point in having a one cent  piece, so we gave them up in 1994. And since we were on a roll- we nixed the 2 cent piece while we were at it.   If you buy something here that’s $19.98 they just round it up to an even twenty.  If you buy something for $19.97 they round it down to $19.95, so you get 2 cents for free. Don't worry, It all evens out in the end- I’ve been keeping a tally since the system started.  

We gave up one dollar bills for lent in 1984 and never got them back and someone stole every two dollar bill in the country in 1988 and replaced them with coins. Trust  me- 10 dollars in coins looks a lot more pov than 10 dollars in notes. Consequently a lot of $1 and $2 coins end up in piggybanks. I am convinced this is  all  part of a secret government plot to get us to self fund retirement.

Plus we don't have quarters either. We have a measley 20 cent piece. And a 5 cent piece.  Sometimes, I feel completely ripped off.

People from overseas think our money is funny. It looks different and feels different to other money. One of the first  original ideas we ever had  besides popularising eating lamb and inventing AFL Football was to print money on plastic. That’s why it feels funny. Yes- our money is plastic. It foils counterfeiters better or something.  I’ve heard it said by visitors to our country that Australian money looks like Monopoly money. I can assure you it doesn't.  It's like we looked at Monopoly money  and said "Let's outdo Monopoly Money". If you aren't used to it - I Implore you not to look directly at our money because it will blind you. It's like Vegemite, you have to be exposed from infancy to survive the experience.

 Please put your sunglasses on now. This is Monopoly money...

This is Australian money. It out-rainbows Monopoly money every time.  

I know it looks weird to you but it spends exactly the same as other money. Sometimes faster. It doesn't appear to buy as much as money from other countries,with the exception of New Zealand where we get an awesome exchange rate which is why we all go there for holidays. Plus they speak like us too. Mostly. Except for that weird e and u substitution thing they have going. It makes six sound like "sex" or "sucks". I digress.

Goods do tend to cost more here. I was asked last week whether we import everything except sheep and whether that explains why a book an American  can buy for 25.00USD costs me 55.00AUD.  I think we do import everything. We're all too busy having public holidays and annual leave days off work to manufacture anything here.   Cherry Coke, Cheerios , and Gangsta Rap are all imported from America and I suspect they are to be blamed for our  poor dollar performance against the greenback.  In return we gave you Vegemite, Crocodile Dundee and Yahoo Serious. Fair's fair-we understand you didn't get the joke. But there's no need to wreck our economy with your imports.

The good news for overseas visitors is that once you convert say 50 of your monies to Australian dollars you can pretty much buy a brand  new car.  Especially if you only want a Hyundai.

So to sum up:

• Australian money is pretty to look at  and easy to use if you're drunk because it's all different sizes and colours.
• Australian money doesn't buy as much as other money seems to. Unless you're buying beer. And unless you're in Mexico where I hear you can get a 12 pack of Sol for about 2 bucks.  
• Our government periodically finds itself in debt , and decides to get rid of another coin denomination  so they can round everything up to the nearest 5 or 10 cents  , thereby silently taxing us further but effectively saving our economy
• And if you want proper financial or economic advice or an explanation of the AUD you probably shouldn't be taking this post as the literal truth. Consult your accountant or financial advisor. 

P.S. vawriter ...the precise number of sheep in Australia is 120, 123,963. Mr. P and I are exhausted from all that counting.

Let's Have A Snowball Night!

Karen over at Sew Many Ways is hosting a quilt-along to make a snowball quilt. The idea is to pick a night and make snowball blocks. Monday's are my check in day so I can share my progress with the group, so here is my wrap up of Week 1-Snowball Night.

This week I ruminated on fabric choice (for three days ) Changed my mind three times. Left fabric stacks  laying all over the house where I could see them  in a vain attempt to make a decision. Made the decision. Cut about 130 x 2 inch  contrast squares, in case I made a mistake or two. Patted myself on the back for getting them all done. Realised (duh!) I actually need four for each square, which is 480 squares not 120. I failed maths at school. Unfortunately I did not fail smoking in the toilets and I'm still REALLY good at it.

I'm using 3 x  Moda Hushabye Charm Packs and a latte homespun for contrast.

And here is my little pile of blocks for my first Monday - 15  down, 105 to go. Unless I decide to go for the fourth charm pack...

And I realised my little triangle doodads that I cut off are wayyyyyy too small to do anything with. And that I'm probably going to have to buy a 4th charm pack to have a decent sized quilt.

But so far I'm having fun! I wonder what everyone else has been getting up to?

You can check out Karen's latest snowball post here.

Sisters....

When I was younger, there was  this  really  annoying little kid in the neighbourhood  that used to hang around me  all the time.  She always wanted to do what I did,  and sometimes because she was a couple of years younger that was a right royal pain in the patootie. I  don't have a memory of when she moved into our street exactly - it just seemed like she was always there ,being needy, wanting to join in, and spending her bus money on lollies and expecting me to give her mine so she didn't have to walk home from school.  Sometimes we'd spend my bus money, I'd share my loot and we'd walk home together.

Despite the odds we became friends.  We did things together. We became mates. We had "sleepovers". We shared secrets.   

In our teens we drifted apart.   Got separate friends. We fought.  We hated one another. With nothing in common we were suddenly as different as chalk and cheese. Joint activities and interests fell by the wayside (aside from that one time we "borrowed" my Mum's car )   Life choices were made. Different paths were chosen.  Still in touch but out of touch with one another.

Flash forward about 7 years. We  re-connected  for a few years sharing our lives based on new  commonalities, like  marriage , subsequent divorces and juggling work and having kids.  And then 12 years ago she moved to another part of the state and I moved away in the opposite direction, which increased the physical distance. Four years ago she moved to another state.  Australia is a big place and she moved clear across the other side of the country 3600 kilometres away.  We've stayed in touch. Gifts, and gossip.  Phone calls and visits.   It's not quite the same but it's  better than nothing.

On reflection, sisters are annoying things that your parents bring home from the hospital that scream all the time and hog all the attention and limelight. Deep down you still know you're the coolest kid your parents have so it's all good. Sisters ride their bike into the rose bushes, and you'll both be banned from riding your bikes on the verandah. She'll  be your partner in crime but  dob on you to save her  own skin. You'll share chicken pox and your mother's wrath.   She'll  steal your makeup and read your personal diary when you're 15 and in love with Steve Hughes.  You will  love each other ferociously , but hate each other  at times with about the same measure  of emotion. But when your sister is gone and you're all grown up- and nobody gets you quite like your family does - you realise how much you miss her. At some point I realised the relationship I  have with my sister  is going to be the longest relationship I'll ever have. So for the past 12 years I feel like I've been cut off from someone  who knows all about me and loves me in spite of that knowledge , and that I'm missing sharing  all my crap with her and  I've realised that she makes me laugh and feel strong and right about my life. Even when I doubt myself.

I’ve been waiting for the right time to do this post.  Waiting to see if it would really happen and if I should get excited.   And now it's official.

Sister of Pyjamas is coming home. And instead of  a 4 day drive she's going to be 15 minutes away. For good.  I'm counting down the days.

Go  and call your sister....you know you want to.

Love you L
XXX

And So the Madness Begins

If you are a regular reader of my blog , you'll know I barely made it with my tenuous sanity intact through the recent  laundry renovation, which took what felt like 3 years but in reality was around 12 weeks. (which was 120,960 minutes of pure hell- see,  I'm still not quite over it  ) I'm sure at one point  some of you were planning a "stop-whinging" -intervention for me. Thankfully we completed the laundry before most of you had the chance to buy your plane tickets.

Lest I alienate my blog friends I have decided not to post blow by blow descriptions every time we put in a new screw or touch a paintbrush for the kitchen reno. I can hear many contented sighs from blogland.

With our new cabinetry being installed in around  8 weeks barring unforseen delays and other misadventures,   I wanted to announce that today is the day the kitchen renovation  officially commences. In honour of this momentous occasion, for which I have been waiting approximately 8 years people, I'm posting  some  pictures of my currently very ungorgeous kitchen, so you can all be amazed, stunned and blown away when we finally get to the end. (which is months away, but let's not focus on that)

By the time we finish there will not be one thing left in this kitchen that is there now. That's going to include the gorgeous cedar panelled wall and pelmets you will see in the following pictures. They're coming out this weekend. For all you recycling people, we're planning to make the cedar panels into an outdoor table.  In around 2016.

So without further ado:

Cedar wall...dark in here much?

I'm sure some people could make a blue kitchen look  pretty and stylish. Unfortunately I'm not in that creative class.

Those vegetable and fruit tiles on the splash backs are probably collectors items now. And yes that's a beaten copper rangehood. We can probably sell that to fund the kitchen renovation.

Cedar pelmets? What were they thinking?  I guess we're about to find out what's behind them. I bet it wont be pretty...

So that's my starting point. I kinda figure no matter what we do from here  it can't look any worse.

I should probably wander off and start sanding  a chair or something now....

Slack Tea Thursday

The whole point of Slack Tea Thursday is so I don't have to think about cooking on Thursdays.

However I have realised after last weeks 30 minute, 80 kilometre  Amazing Race  tea event because the Asian restaurant stuffed up my order debacle that the universe  was telling me that getting takeaway makes Slack Tea Thursday a little bit too easy. I dont think the universe minded when I did that with Clucktucky Fried Chicken the week before because KFC is incredibly bad for you, but last weeks dinner looked like actual food and so the universe decided enough was enough.

So this week, I went  back to my tried and true formula of truly slack dinners ...

I know  this looks like a meal , but it was truly slack, I swear. I hear you scoffing "Lasagne takes a lot of effort" .  Wait! This was leftover Lasagna ...from last Saturday! I dragged it out of the freezer , I didnt keep it in the fridge all that time- because I'm really not a big fan of botulism. AND I didnt cook it in the first place. It was cooked by the Pizza Place up the road , so I'm sure you'll agree this is truly slack. Never cooked it in the first place- reheated for dinner a second time ...this ticks all the boxes for slack.

So looking forward to my lasagne meal , and chuckling all the while because I outwitted the universe I tucked in ...

It was disgusting ...the cheese was like rubber and somewhere in the freezing , re-heating , chuckling process the meat turned into bullets. Three bites was enough. Yuk!  So I went with Plan B :

Ahhhhhh Promite , how I love you so. You've saved me from starvation countless times.

The remains of the day (which Indy and Lola enjoyed immensely-I heard them saying I am  doggie mother of the year as they were eating. )

No I don't eat my crusts. Everyone knows crusts make your hair go curly , and since   I have spent literally years straightening my hair with my ultra awesome GHD,  eating crusts seems counter productive. Plus I'm an adult I don't have to eat my crusts if I don't want to.

P.S. I had a cigarette and a cup of tea for dessert. Later I'm planning to eat this frozen cream cheese buttercream icing straight from the icing bag. 

 Right after I microwave it slightly so I can squirt it straight into my gob.  Slack enough?

Snowball Fight ...err I mean Night

Karen over at Sew Many Ways is hosting a snowball block quilt along .  The idea is you pick one  night a week to  make  snowball blocks  and then post your progress. Before you know it - you'll have enough snowball blocks  for a whole quilt! I'm loving this idea. I've never done a quilt along before and a snowball quilt is on my bucket list so it seemed like serendipity. 

So...I'm choosing Monday as my night to post about my Snowball Block progress because that will give me time to get some done by next Monday.  And I can work this quilt-along around my other projects so it's perfect. Low pressure. Fun. Get a quilt done.  Cheer along other participants. What's not to love?

If you're interested in joining us click the button at the top of my sidebar and come and play! Now I just have to choose some fabrics....

Translation Tuesday -Dedicated to Bridging (or Widening) the Cultural Divide

Tracey Chapman had a smash hit in the 1988 with the song "Fast Car". Steve Martin and John Candy starred in a movie entitled "Planes, Trains and Automobiles" The Who sang about a Magic Bus, and road trip movies always rate well at the box office. Even Steven Speilberg made a movie about a cranky truck driver called "Duel".  The world is obsessed with things that have wheels.

 Australia has the fourth highest number of cars in the world, which is pretty amazing when you consider our population is only 20 million people. Apparently we're all lazy or our public transport network sucks or something because there are about 13 million cars on the roads here. And in peak hour they all seem to be heading in the same direction as me at the same time I am. What's up with that?

In Australia we drive on the opposite side of the road to the majority of the rest of the world because we like to be different. We’re leaders – not followers. Actually pretty much anywhere that is part of Britain or used to be part of Britain drive on the left side of the road. (with the exception of Canada . Hey Canada what’s up with that? Normally you’re so cool with your maple syrup and awesome bacon and Canadians acting all laid back just like Australians)

Way back when, it was decided that Australians had to drive on the left side of the road because kangaroos are only able to jump to the right , so there is much less likelihood that if you’re on the left that you’ll collide with a kangaroo on the open road. And so left handed driving was made into law.

Ok, I just made that up.

Actually I think it’s because our steering wheels are on what the rest of you would consider the passenger side of the car. And because I like to bring you hard hitting Translation Tuesday posts based on research and evidence I took a picture of my car today because I was sure you wouldn’t believe me. That you'd think this is just some urban myth or that I was pulling your leg.   Yes that’s Australian dirt and dust in my car and for the really astute thats what an overflowing ashtray looks like ...

Tonight I took a picture of my drive home from work. See?  Cars on the  left side of the road.How many people are freaking out right now looking at that picture because it looks so wrong? Well to us it looks perfectly normal.

 

Heads up rest of the world - you are doing it wrong. You are driving on the wrong side of the road.

Our other transport oddity , is that in Adelaide we also  have the O-Bahn. The O-Bahn is world's  longest guided bus way  which basically means some buses pretend they’re trains and run along a guided concrete track. The buses travel at approximately one million kilometres per hour. We like fast here. The drive from the city to my suburb takes approximately 2.3 seconds and I live in the foothills/outer suburbs.

Disclaimer: The O'Bahn doesnt really run at one million kilometres per hour. That would practically enable time travel which would be kinda cool but still only exists in science fiction....

The Evolution of Something Quilty

I've been referring to this quilting project as my Mystery Quilt , because I just didn't know what it would  look like when it was finished. That's what happens when you use 29 different fabrics with about 2345 possible combinations and a plethora of cutting and sewing back together.   I just went with it. I also want to proudly point out I did not stress out about my circles and blocks not matching up perfectly during the sewing-back-together -process- which is another first. Little Miss Virgo usually likes everything perfect. My Sagittarian ascendant was clearly in full flight during the making of this quilt.

In my first unveiling of this quilt (above) I asked for opinions about what to do with it- because it  looked so busy with circles against the squares when I laid it out. Thanks Lane and lw for pointing out  that if I cut these circles into halves I would end up  with ovals  - because seriously that thought had never occurred to me-duh. That's what happens when you're just focusing on the end product.

Elizabeth's advice was to "Go Big or Go Home" (I love that ) I decided to Go Big  - circles into quarters sewn back together randomly. I ended up with 324  bits which was initially  as  scary as h***. Then the Sagittarius chick kicked in and it came together because I kept telling myself this was an experiment and it was only fabric.  I didn't think once about how much trouble I could get into with that many quilt bits to sew back together, so  last weekend those 324 bits became 81 bits without giving me further ulcers. So far so good.

This past weekend with a lot of sewing those  81 bits transformed into a respectable looking quilt top. I'm not saying there arent mistakes in it. (There are - I need to go back and fix a couple) but my attitude is C'est  la vie. Repeat after me. Experiment. Just fabric.

I think this one will live on the chair I'm stripping for my dining room (as suggested by Annie ) In a black and white kitchen this will add some much needed colour!

And since I set a personal goal for a specific number of quilts this year - I need to spend less time blogging and more time sewing if I'm going to meet that goal...sigh.

Typos and Technophobia

I swear my keyboard has dyslexia. If you could see my posts before I proof them you would swear I was semi- literate. Some of the things I have to take out stagger even me, further lending credence to the notion that It's not me- I'm a grate speller, and I like to use punk-chew-ashun, so therefore it has to be  this darn keyboard.

Confession: I am actually a shocking typist. (are they called key-boardists or something high tech these days?) I'm fast but bad.  In Year 10 "Commercial Studies" back in the dark ages when dinosaurs roamed the earth (typing and shorthand - does anyone use shorthand these days?) I was voted most likely never to be employed as a secretary. Mrs. Hale my Commercial Studies teacher used to despair over my typing accuracy daily and I'm sure it used to keep her awake at nights. Hallelujah for spell check. It's not that my spelling and grammar are so bad , it picks up all my typos. At the moment I am having a high old time substituting this (;) for this (') at every possible opportunity. And sometimes I don't pick it up- which makes me look stupid.  I was so stoked when I recently discovered Blogger has spell check that I threw a party. A spelling party.  So when you see something that doesn't quite make sense here it's not because I'm an ignoramus- or insane - I'm just a really bad typist. Or my keyboard is possessed. Whatever.

These thoughts got me thinking about the place of technology in our lives.And my general stupidity when it comes to being able to use or operate it. I freely admit, I don't control technology-technology controls me.

A couple of weeks ago, I learned how to recharge my mobile phone credit via the Internet.  I still haven't worked out how to do it on my actual phone. It's possible because a little button  on my phone tells me so.  I confess I'm a technological dud  because  apparently I can access the Internet via my mobile phone and in three years I've never worked out how. If I accidentally touch that button and it tries to connect to the Internet I start randomly jabbing keys to make it stop in a panic. It's almost like the Internet button is a "drop saran gas on the world "button such is my terror when I see it trying to connect.   I thought I was hot crap when I worked out how to email stuff from my phone to my home email  about 6 months ago.I still haven't worked out how to email stuff back the other way.  

My technophobia extends to every day house hold appliances including the frypan which never seems to work for me unless it is on "nuke" setting . It is numbered 1-10, but only cooks on 10. It sits inert on numbers 1 through 9.   Apparently it senses when the food needs to be cooked. However  it loses it often - burning the food to a charred crisp. We've just got used to eating everything black on the outside and bleeding in the middle. I just tell everyone it's Cajun.  But, I  hate that my frypan thinks it's smarter than I am.

My stupidity also extends to not being able to be trusted to turn the oven off. My oven decides when the contents have had enough cooking and turns itself off. Usually after 90 minutes. If I believe that something still needs more cooking I have to go and re-program it for additional cooking time. Woe betide I need to cook something for three hours. According to oven law nothing ever needs to be cooked for longer than an hour and a half. The oven must be worried I'm going to burn my house down. Thanks oven for having my back.

I cannot program the DVD. I get Mr. P to do it for me.  We don't have Tivo because I'm not sure I could take the stress. We don't  have cable or satellite TV  because it has wayyyyyy too many channels for my fuzzy little brain. Our flat panel television is worth three times as much as my car.  If the  computer wasn't  so easy to operate (One button to turn it on and Blogger and my email pop up automatically ) I'm sure I would never have made it back here to make more than one post.

My car screams at me when something is wrong. It tells me when it needs a service. When it thinks it needs more petrol. What's going on every time I start it. The thing greets me for crying out loud. If my car is so smart why doesn't it fix itself? Drive itself to the mechanic? Self heal when something is broken by using a calming mantra? Find a cure for cancer?

Computers  are  temperamental. I spent most of Miss Pyjamas childhood worrying about diseases , got her safely to adulthood without increasing the child mortality rate and now I have to worry that my computer is going to get a virus as well. I just don't have the time to nurse a computer back to health. Sorry 'puter - you get sick - we're gonna kick you to the kerb and buy a new one. That was also the plan if we had more children by the way. All our sympathy and sick days got used up on the last one.

All of this is painfully raw for me today because I sent an hour last night  trying to work out how to get RSS feeds to my computer. Unsuccessfully. In the end I figured I've lived 43 years without them , and gave up. I excel at giving up with technology. I  have a sneaking suspicion that while I was attempting the seemingly impossible, I reset my computer settings and RSS is being secretly downloaded to a file somewhere on my computer and the first I'm going to know about it is when my 1.5 terabyte hard drive crashes because it's full.

Technology and I have an uneasy relationship. At the moment I'm calling a truce and acknowledging technology IS the boss of me, but the times they are a'changing. Just warning you technology...

Slack Tea Thursday

There is  one among you that would have me believe this effort is simply not slack enough for Slack Tea Thursday . And I quote "Thai takeaway does not sound like slack tea Thursday". Anonymous disbeliever- I'm not going to out you - you know who you are.     I was discussing this with my work buddy Nerida today,  in our lunch break since we would not waste valuable employer  time on such topics, and she said  "What's  slacker than takeaway?" I love Nerida. 

I did consider having something else. Something slacker. Like pickles straight from the jar or a bowl of frosties. Or both. Together. In the same bowl.   But by then my brain was screaming "I want Shallot Pancakes" (really loudly ) and who am I to argue with my brain? My brain is the boss and generally makes awesome decisions, except for around 5 days of the month when lovely Ms. Hormones kicks in and then it's a free for all. At that point nobody appears to be in charge. It's actually quite scary.

The slackness in this dinner  was going to be in the details. I could have written a letter to the Thai takeaway placing my order , but I used a phone. I could have walked to the shops to pick it up - but I drove my car. I took the bigger car - the one that uses the most petrol because it was a mere 18 inches closer when I walked into the garage.I could have taken my own recyclable bag to pick it up, but I dug my heels in and made them give me a plastic bag instead. Do you see the lack of real effort  just oozing out of every action?  So far - so good.  

Then the universe thought it would be funny to conspire against me.   This is the bag I made them give me to bring my dinner home.

Except when I got home, my dinner wasn't in it.   Someone else's dinner was ... Thanks, but no thanks - I don't eat pork whatever, and slimy green stuff with octopus tentacles.  So I had to call the takeaway to  let them know I had someone else's dinner, and then drive 10 minutes back to the shops to return someone else's dinner and get my actual dinner. Then drive back home again. Universe 1 - Pyjamas -0 .

By the time I got back home, I was ready to eat the leg off a chair. Then I remembered I have an awesome Chinese dinner set I never use, but forgot it was slack tea Thursday and I should have been eating out of the takeout containers.  Universe 2- Pyjamas -0 . Obviously I was thrown by the-having-to-pick-my-dinner-up-twice experience.

I redeemed myself with cheesecake from the freezer for dessert - eaten out of the container, with the takeaway spoon. I'm giving myself  double points since I didn't wait for it to thaw out.   Universe 2- Pyjamas - 2 . But with the end of the meal rapidly approaching the Universe and I were still neck and neck.  I started to plan my final attack.

As part of my dastardly plan to outwit the universe, I threw out the dishes instead of washing them.  We hardly ever use that dinner set anyway. Take that universe. Pyjamas 3- Universe - 2.

The last word on the subject goes to Miss Pyjamas who said (and I quote) "it's not really slack dinner is it?".  I think she's right. Frankly trying to outwit  the universe some days is exhausting. And last night's dinner  was wayyyyyyyy slacker. I had a fritz and sauce sandwich.

Translation Tuesday -Dedicated to Bridging (or Widening) the Cultural Divide

Fearsome Creatures

Overseas Tourism advertisements for Australia invariably show our cute wildlife, sunny weather, the Outback, smiling people, seafood and fabulous golden sandy beaches. Australia is awesome.

Australia is also home to some of the most fearsome creatures on earth. You’ve all heard me joke about our creepy crawlies. People, I am not joking. You risk imminent death just stepping out the front door to go to the letterbox in the mornings. I’m amazed the majority of us survive to adulthood.

I guess Aussies are just  a tough bunch. And since we’re a no fuss kind of people, we just accept that we co-exist with multiple things that can kill us at any given moment and that nowhere is 100% safe. We just go about our business and rarely does anything fatal happen. But tourists – well that’s another matter. You don’t have the inbred antenna for danger we have and consequently some of you end up , well, kind of dead...

Wouldn’t it be fun if they ran an ad campaign that told it like it really is. The problem with that is that nobody would ever come to visit. So I'm going to give you the run down on Australia's fearsome creatures so you know what to avoid when you get here.

My first free piece of advice is you can’t poke a crocodile with a stick. Nor can you jump on them, blow raspberries in their faces, or scream "na na nee nar nar" at them. They don’t like it. They just don’t have a sense of humour . Crocodiles can't take a joke. And like elephants they have long memories. Piss off a crocodile and they’ll wait 20 years to pay you back. Plus crocodiles think you taste like chicken. All that's missing is the barbecue sauce.

( Cue Jaws theme song here )The heads up on white pointer sharks ? If you’re in their water space they’ll eat you. That’s the rule. To them , you’re just a Big Mac. A flailing trying to pointlessly get out of their way Big Mac. With secret sauce.

The skiing and swimming here is totally awesome . Our beaches are golden and sandy and our water is clear and warm. Just like on the ads. You just need to avoid the sting rays, stone fish, blue bottles, blue ringed octopus, stingers and poisonous jelly fish. Some of these things will kill you seriously, agonisingly dead within minutes. Or seriously screw up your holiday with a hospital stay. Another piece of free advice- load up on hospital insurance.

Any bushland is TEEMING with snakes. Bushland here is any garden over three square feet.  Of the ten most deadly snake species  in the world, 5 of them call Australia home. And those bas****s will chase you. Practice your four minute mile and the duck and weave before you leave home people.  We also have flying snakes, swimming snakes and sneaky snakes.  Give nature a miss on your travels. Our bushland is highly over rated.

You will not be safe indoors. We have redbacks, funnel webs and mouse spiders ( so named because they are the size of a large mouse or because they eat mice – I forget which ) The laws of physics  say a spider that is 8 inches across CAN fit in  a crack under a door  1/4 of a inch wide. (I wish I could suck my guts in like that ) Always check under your outdoor chairs before you sit down. Redbacks in particular like to make nests under chairs and breed about 1387 babies at a time. Approximately every 24 hours.  If you get bitten, you should be fine because we have developed anti venom, providing you get to a hospital within 20 minutes and don’t panic in the meantime (panic makes the venom race through your bloodstream faster). Practice your zen like state before you arrive. We also have jumping spiders. I encountered one of these on my patio a month ago. They are called jumping spiders because that’s what you’ll do (onto a table if you’re like me ) when you encounter something with 8 legs roughly the size of a basketball. You will probably also piss your pants so bring Depends, or buy some when you get here. Just in case.

Bulldog ants grow to approximately 1.5 inches long. They love picnics.  If one of these approaches you – just surrender your sandwich,  fried chicken , lamingtons and your wallet and nobody will get hurt.   We also breed flies the size of volkswagons here and those suckers bite. I once got bit on Green Island in Queensland and the pain was worse than childbirth.

Those cute kangaroos you see on the ads...don’t be fooled. Ever been sucker punched by a kangaroo? They fight dirty.  I’ve been chased by a rabid emu too. Scary. You can’t outrun an emu. I had to pretend to be a bigger emu by making my hand into the shape of an emu head and holding it up in the air. (it worked -Emu's are fast but kinda stupid)  And Koalas? Sure they look cute. The truth is they're  whacked off their faces from all the gum leaves they eat and can’t control their own bladders. Koalas will pee on you ladies and gentlemen. Just like a 90 year old lady in a nursing home, and they’ll have the same amount of shame about it.

 

So by all means come for a visit, but the plain cold hard facts are that  some of you are going to end up as a wildlife food.  Maybe if you brought a lot of Oreo's  I would consider being your personal bodyguard for  the duration of your stay...or I hear if you rub vegemite all over your body it acts as a talisman against the fearsome creatures but I've never tried it because I'm not gullible like that.

Tourism Australia is sooooooooo going to sue my arse off for this post .. You guys know I'm just joshing about all of this dont you?  But if you see a bunyip in the wild - run. My sister saw a bunyip 35 years ago and she's still in  therapy. Oh and watch out for  the drop bears too....

Weekend Misadventures of Q.I.M.P

Ha! Tricked you! The weekend sailed along smoothly. Relaxingly. (Blogger says that's an actual word). Stuff got done. Nothing broke.No disasters. There was no blood and I didnt set fire to anything.

I have realised  I don't have original meal ideas anymore-  I'm copying everyone else's meals. If you post a recipe I'm probably going to make it. Aside from Marg's Cannelloni I made  Elizabeth's Grandmother's meatloaf for dinner on Saturday and it was the best meatloaf I have ever tasted. Another keeper. Mr. P practically inhaled it ,  so sorry,   no pictures. I have a spare in the freezer, along with two curries, and 2 chicken cacciatores I also made this weekend.   I feel like I'm turning into the savoury version of Bakerella.

I picked up an antique blackwood chair on Saturday to strip and re-paint for the corner of the dining room. Isn't she beautiful? It probably won't look much different by the time I'm finished since I'm planning on refinishing her in antique white again. Can't you just see this in a corner with a quilt draped over it, just inviting you to take a load off?

This morning I picked up my "new" dining  chairs that have been partially  stripped and with a little more work will be ready for painting. These chairs are over 100 years old. As I'm getting older I really see the sense in re-using and repurposing beautiful old furniture. All of this means the kitchen renovation has officially commenced. Bring it on.  If I stop posting you'll know it's because I had a nervous breakdown or drowned in a vat of paint stripper.

And yes, that's another set of dining chairs in the background. At last count we had 16 dining chairs...what can I say? ...I collect them.

I transformed  a box of 324 quilt bits

into a basket of 81 quilt bits. (Slowly getting there )

I think this little lady brought me sewing luck because I didn't swear once...

I made these this afternoon. Jam Donuts. Mmmmmmm. Totally delicious.  Too bad none of you live close by or I would have shared.   We had them for lunch. Healthy....Damn you Masterchef!

 And, from the random department I would also like to announce I am  still eating Easter Chocolate here. That either means I'm rationing it out well, and have amazing self discipline  or I got so much in the first place that I am  truly piggy.

Have a wonderful rest of your weekend doing something you love.