Thursday, August 16, 2012

The Six Million Dollar....Cat

"Mrs. P,  we can rebuild him. We have the technology. We have the capability to make the world's first bionic cat. Mordecai will be that cat. Better than he was before. Better. Stronger.  Faster. " 

I took the day off on Monday. Phoning your boss and saying "I'm not coming in today. I'm not sick - I'm taking cat leave " is always guaranteed to make your boss chuckle first thing on a Monday if she has any sense of humour at all.  I tend to revert to joking when I'm under pressure. Not everybody gets that. 


There are three types of people in this world. There are people who aren't animal lovers. I don't judge them. They're just missing a crucial gene. It's not their fault. There are people who say they are animal lovers and actually "own" pets, but they treat them like pets and that's OK too.  And then there are people (like me) that have sleepless nights when their animals aren't quite right and take cat sick days and treat their animals like part of the family. And maybe that means we have an extra gene that makes us unable to identify that our animal mates aren't actually people and probably don't need specially made quilts and home made cooked meals and that despite the movie, Dr. Doolittle, animals can't actually speak. 

Whatever. 


Rewind to Sunday night. Mordecai, our big, laid back ,cool ginger cat had been playing a game of tag in the back yard with Indy in the late afternoon and Indy's Modus Operandi for winning was to plant his dinner plate sized paw squarely in Mordy's back and flatten him to the ground barking "Tag -You're it -Cat  ".  Mr. P witnessed the carnage and practically had to peel Mordy off the concrete with a shovel while Indy stood by feeling inordinately pleased with himself for winning the tag round. If I had a dollar for every time I've told my "children" to play nicely or I've screeched "you'll take someone's eye out with that stick" I wouldn't be looking down the barrel of another day at paid employment. 


But on Sunday night when the normally silent Mordecai spent the night looking at me and intermittently yowling (loudly and frequently) I was a bit worried. This is the cat who only speaks when he wants to eat or when he wants you to turn the tap on since he hasn't mastered the art of flicking the tap on without the assistance of someone with opposable thumbs.  I'm sure that's the only reason he hasn't acted on his master plan for world domination. He needs us to do tap duty. 


So I checked him out thinking maybe Indy's paw-in-the-back routine had busted something crucial. Nup- no broken bones. Full range of movement. Still jumping up and down off stuff he wasn't supposed to be jumping on and off like the kitchen benches.  So I figured a 15 pound cat being rugby tackled by a 100 pound dog probably meant that Mordecai was feeling a little sore and sorry for himself . If someone dropped something 6 and a half times my weight on me I'd be feeling pretty sorry too. At that stage I was hoping he'd rally by morning because every single time I go anywhere near the vet I need to take out a second mortgage on my house. Did I ever tell you the story about how our dog Lola was bitten by a snake and had to have anti venom? That shit costs a bajillion dollars. I guess milking snakes for their poison to make anti venom is an expensive business, further convincing me I'm totally in the wrong line of work. Oh and Lola wasn't bitten by a snake. She ate a green mouldy bone. I know that because the same thing happened two years later. So you can understand my hesitance to barrel down to the vet for a bruise on a Sunday night no less.  


Sunday night was a barrel of laughs (insert sarcasm here ) Mordecai is the kind of cat that ensconces himself on the bed at night and doesn't make a peep or move till morning when he is forcibly removed with a crow bar. He spent the night jumping up and down off the bed, stomping on my head, and speaking to me in very loud cat-speak. Coupled with Mr. P's freight train snoring I had no bloody hope of a little shut eye. 

Monday came and he wasn't any better. In fact he was worse. Right after he started throwing up and I muttered nasty things to Indy about dogs with big paws who don't know their own strength I called the vet. And within an hour Mordecai was in surgery for kidney failure due to a blockage.  So I came home and apologised to Indy and thanked him for stamping on the cat because we might not have been watching Mordy so closely if we weren't considering the possibility that he had a broken back and then I started crossing my fingers and toes and thanking my lucky stars that I do understand cat language and listened to the voices in my head. Normally voices in your head are a bad thing. Ask any serial killer. 

The surgery was a success and Mordy came home last night with a plethora of really cool drugs.  I don't think the vet got the joke when I asked if she could slip a couple of extra Valium tabs in there for me. Some people have no sense of humour.  I came home with a considerably heavier credit card bill. There's 80 yards of fabric I won't be buying in Hawaii.

Aside from the fact my cat is a rampant junkie and fell off the ottoman last night because he was stoned out of his gourd and then looked at me all surprised like I'd pushed him off, and aside from the fact he's weaving and slurring his meows and aside from the fact he's become obsessed with licking his private cat parts he seems to be on the mend. 

Drugs are Bad ...M'kay...(a little South Park reference there ) 
And because he's such a special cat he now needs to eat a special diet. Pound for pound this new food costs approximately the same price as European White truffles. And I just know he's going to live until he's 47 in people years. There's something rotten in the state of Denmark when your cat eats better than you do. 


And it's typical of me to have a long blogland absence and to mark my comeback with a post about my cat's drug habit. That's just the way we roll at Maison Pyjamas. No class. 



P.S. Just be thankful I didn't include a picture of my cat's penis in this post. I sent one to the vet this morning with the subject line "cat porn " so she could tell me whether it was normal for cat privates to look like that because I've never taken it upon myself to peer intently  at my cats whatsit before. 

38 comments:

Suzan said...

Glad your cat is doing better and thank you so much for not including any cat porn! We had UT blockage with a male cat and that is the reason I wanted a female this time. Males (in my experience) are usually more affectionate but those urinary tract issues with males are miserable for the cat and will empty your pocketbook in a hurry!

Quiltn Mama said...

I'm terribly sorry to laugh at Mordy's misfortune, but that's the funniest damn thing I've read all day. Hope he's on the mend soon and able to enjoy all those drugs just for the sake of being a little loopy.

AnnieO said...

Oh! So glad the "smash Mordy" game resulted in you learning about the blockage... My "free to a good home" ginger and white cat Denis cost me $1000 the first time he got a urinary tract blockage at about 2 years old, and the second blockage came when he was 15 years old and I had to have him put down. So sad! In between all that he ate regular cat food, so I'm not sure your fabric budget is permanently dented :) Thanks for the laugh, and the nausea at thinking of opening a photo of cat naughty bits...

Kate said...

Very glad that Mordy is on the mend and obviously feeling no pain. I hope you get as much stress relief out of writing the posts as we do enjoyment in reading them.

Vesuviusmama said...

Hubby is looking at me funny because, while I did a quiet moaning giggle as I read your post, I laughed out loud and shot snot from my nose when I got to cat porn. And then, the icing on the cake, your labels. Hilarious! But only because he's going to be fine and you WILL make it to Hawaii.

Kris said...

I think you missed a category of people Shay. There are those of us who really are animal lovers, but we can't have animals because it would just really be too stressful for us and them cause that's just how we love. (Just ask my children!) Ok. Now that I've outed myself as your weirdest commenter, Aww..... Hope Moredecai gets better real soon! Hope you are well too! I have missed hearing your voice! (It is a lovely voice!!!)

Cindy said...

I'm so happy your cat was caught in the knick of time! The poor fella! And I feel the same about my animals as you do with yours. They aren't just animals. I've missed reading your funny ways of making a disaster sound like a comedy show. Try to keep the stress down now! :o) xoxo

Cardygirl said...

Alternately laughing and then admonishing myself for being flippant about poor Mordecai's delicate state....this was a brilliant post...I am with you, care for our babies no matter what! Glad he is safe, though slightly stoned (not willing to share with his poor Mum?)!

Jennifer said...

Oh, poor Mordecai! Being stomped on turned out to be lucky in the end......but what a way to find out about his condition. Hope he (and the rest of the household, and your bank balance) is feeling better soon.

Amanda said...

So did Mordecai end up with a sex change, we had a Siamese that did was the only way to fix the blockage. We just have to give the bloody thing tablets for the rest of its life and a specials diet but they didn't have the expensive stuff at the vets in those days (25 years ago). That cat put me off cats for life I might add, give me a puppy any day. I know it cost a fortune back then can only imagine what emergency surgery would cost

Sue SA said...

Yikes, I am definatly glad for your stash sake that the cat hadn't been bitten by a snake and is making a good recovery on drugs...hopefully without having done damage to his private bits cos I am not keen to see cat porn ever!

Anne-Lise at Rag, Tag, Bobtail said...

Glad your cat is on the mend ... and sorry for laughing, but you describe just what my life is like in this home of two dogs - vet bills and all!

Rachaeldaisy said...

I'm so glad Mordi is okay! That small print is hilarious.

Susan Standen said...

Only you could make me laugh that hard while feeling so sorry for you, the cat and the credit card. Hope you all make a full recovery soon!

Razzle Dazzle Quilter said...

Glad you spared us the penis bit!!!!!

The first time my big boy cat spent a night at the vets my husband kept saying at five minute intervals " I wonder how Kaiser is going on" Not that he's the cat lover round here you understand. yeah right!

clare's craftroom said...

We had cokware below and cat porn here is it any wonder I love your blog 1 So glad your cat is ok . I was going to say pussy but that would be too much .

Michelle Ridgway said...

Oh poor Mordy. Glad he is much better even if it is drug induced. We are like you....special treatment for the animals. Our staffy once cost us over $3oo because he decided to jump up to see what one of my friends was stitching and managed to suck a needle in his mouth which got stuck in his tongue and as we were unaware until he started doing really odd things with his mouth and head it had broken off so cue x-rays to see where the other bit was...cue anesthesia for the x-ray...so yeah I get the loving them to pieces (usually your bank a/c is in pieces)
I hope Indy is not feeling to guilty. Glad you are back...was getting concerned.

Karen said...

OMG. That is too funny, poor kitty. I am continually surprised each time I go to the vet too, and my dog is on spendy hypoallergenic vet food...hope kitty gets off the meds soon. Do tell us what the vet said about the pic.

Jindi's Cottage said...

When I stop laughing at the cat porn email to the vet ROFLOL...
OK...nope still can't type coherently...and it's all your fault!!!...
Right, trip away from blog post, composure regained...
Poor Mordy...and your credit card!...hope they both recover quickly.
And yeah, what is it with people with no sense of humour.

Cynthia L. said...

So glad your kitty is doing better! One of our cats got bit in the leg by something and she was on pain killers! Like you, I asked if they were ok to use by humans! I got the strangest look! The crazy thing was, I filled the prescription at Target! I look forward to hearing about Mordi's private parts. Us girls need a little excitement in our lives!

Katy Cameron said...

Ha, surprised the work fun filter didn't block you out for that last sentence, it's obviously slipping - must tell the guys in the office that porn's okay now... Maybe it's only male porn though, maybe I should just tell the girls. Or both. Who know what floats their boat... Still, glad the cat's feeling better even with food that will leave you eating bread and water...

Char said...

I'm sure glad I wasn't having a sip of my tea when I got to the end of your post! That PS is exactly why I've missed your posts lately. Glad to hear Mordecai is on the mend. I'm sure you'll still have a wonderful time in Hawaii!

Pokey said...

Poor baby! I am glad the vet was able to help, but man! Why does it always need to cost so much? I do understand the love of pets, totally ~
:-}pokey

Kate said...

You're not supposed to make people laugh with your poor kitty's misfortune! Slurred meows...cat porn... I spent 60 yards of fabric...or a serger...fixing bladder stones on my boy. And now he eats expensive canned food to prevent recurrences. (Also, way to go Indy!)

quiltfool said...

Been there. Paid that bill. They should give you the drugs before they give you the bill. And, that cat food is expensive, and like Mordy, I'm sure our cat will live forever...he eats really healthy and that means long life, right? Lane

Terri said...

You are a kick! Sorry for your troubles, but you are so entertaining that it is hard to be sad about any of it. Thanks for the chuckles!
Hugs

Dianne Neale said...

You should go on stage! Glad to hear the cat is on the mend - maybe you should get him a paper round to pay for the food. (Mmm, you probably don't have paper rounds in Oz - where the paper is delivered to your door?)

Mad about Craft said...

Sorry....I had to laugh out loud! I'm not sure is funnier, your cats' misfortune with his male bits or yours with your bank account!

Megan said...

From one fellow type 3 pet person to another, so glad to hear Mordy is okay! I must admit, I did have a giggle at him falling off the ottoman and thinking it was your fault though. Our lives are so much richer for the animals in our lives!

Dee said...

Good to see you back with a very entertaining blog posting.

Helsie said...

Oh poor cat but lucky cat too. Good thing you got him there in time. The expense goes with the territory, I'm afraid. Makes you vow to take out pet insurance for your next pet ( if there is ever another !)
Glad to have you back.
Cheers

bj said...

Glad to hear the cat is doing ok...and, I never thought about it, but I've never, in my entire looong life looked at a cat's penis. :)))

No more Friday Favorites?

Kristie said...

What is hilarious about this (sense of humor here in spades) is that our dog had the same surgery, and is on the SAME rediculously expensive Urinary SO food by the same company but for dogs. So, I feel your pain. Bionic indeed! We are about 2 years post surgery now, and he is doing great. When I took him in and told my hubs what it cost (he is the type 2 animal personality, I am type 3 like you of course), he indicated that we could have bought and entire litter of new, healthy dogs for that price. Whatevs. I love my puppy :)

Sara said...

Maybe Indi is a doctor dog? And he wasn't playing tag, he was giving him a medical examination? I mean, granted, Indi's not the sharpest tool in the shed but some of the doctord I've been to weren't that bright either...

Baa-Me Kniits said...

You could have sent the photo to me and I would have looked at it for you. Poor Mordi having urinary trouble is not fun! Speedy recovery to him and yes why are vets so bloody expensive....you dont want to know about my vet bill for the horse!

Lori said...

My "grandbaby" cat Polo is buying his vet a new car too. He has been on the same food as yours since April! But I have 3 other cats on it too, (no separate feeding stations here), he has been going in for weekly visits up to 2 weeks ago. Now on a 2-3 week visits, he also takes glucosamine, supposedly to strengthen the bladder area. My daughter sends a kitty support check monthly for him, she is stationed on ship at the moment. Wish you the best with your kitty.
Yes we have "animal sick days" I work at animal shelter. The boss totally understands our emotional state.

Elizabeth said...

So glad that Mordecai is on the mend! You are an awesome pet mama.

xo -E

thea said...

Poor, poor Mordecai and this was just the beginning.