The Importance of Being Me.

Something happens to me as the New Year approaches  that makes me reflective. That's normal right ?  Every year I look back and think about the year that was, and to try to define whether or not on the whole it was a "good" year. Sometimes there is more trial and tribulation and other years more joy and jubilation.

Life rarely turns out the way we think it will.  Events occur in our lives - it's inevitable. Constant change is part of life. Often those events define who we become, often without us even realising it's happened. We tread a different path. We tell ourselves  it's not forever,  that it's just a fork in the road , that a situation is temporary and eventually the road will lead you back where you "belong". What I've discovered is that the road doesn't always fork back to where you left off . Sometimes you have to beat a path back or accept the path you're travelling  will lead you where you need to be.

Circumstances over the last five years have swept me along in their wake and I've just gone with the flow because I felt I had no choice.  And  for a long long time I've put "me" on the back burner because I felt other people needed me more and that eventually my time would come. 

Over the last few months I've realised my life is not a dress rehearsal. I've realised I need to live my life in ways that will ensure my happiness and whole-ness as a human being  and that I need to create the life I want to live. I've realised I've been so busy doing for others that I've forgotten how to "do " for myself.

I've slowly over time morphed into other people's expectations of me. A lot of the time I am the carefully crafted role others have decided I will play to make their lives comfortable and predictable. And I've lost a lot of who I want to be in the process.

One of the reasons I write my blog is because here I get to be the me I want to be.  The me I am without all the expectations people have of me in the real world.  I like the me I am here. I think the me I am here is actually the real me that struggles at times to rear her head in real life.

I'm pretty much over the pressure of being that other me.   I've been doing the "right" thing my whole life and still stressing out about whether or not it's "right" enough. I'm drawing a line in the sand  and saying here is  where I stop being so hard on myself. Here is where I stop expecting perfection of myself and here is where I start telling myself "I did the best I could and that's all I can expect of myself ". Here is where I start living a life.

It may surprise you to know I'm not brave about the small things but I embrace major change with gusto. I think there will be a lot of gusto in 2011. It's highly probable you won't notice it - but the people around me in real life will and it's likely to make for some very interesting times. Oh and I'm planning to get brave about the little things too.