Blog Surfing and Desperate Insecurity

Not sure where I'm going with this post. It's been rattling round inside my head for a week. I'm pretty sure I'm going to offend someone,  somewhere. (probably with my comment about religion down the page -paragraph 5 in case you want to skip straight there  ) And why I would choose to post this today, on a  mere four hours sleep,  with a hacking cough and dribbly nose has got me whacked. (Green isn't good right?)  But I'm going to do it anyway. This is my year of living dangerously. 

I've been looking at profiles a lot this week  in the hope of finding like minded people  and widening my blog circle, and being further inspired by the amazingness of others. Plus I'm nosy and like to live vicariously through the lives of people I've never even met. It's a large www out there people and I want to sample more of it. I owe it to myself.  You guys inspire me so much more than you realise. I have an idea of what each  of you  is like from what you choose to share through your own posts and comments. You're all lovely by the way.   

What I'm left with after peeking at people's profiles  is the thought it's pretty hard to bring your personality across in the small space they give you to list your interests which is all they show when you're looking at profiles. Which means people like me have to actually go to your blog and read some of it to decide whether we're likely to be kindred spirits. I have a four post rule to decide whether I want to come back for dessert and other meals at your place.  If one of the 4 posts  rocks my socks -I'm going to be eating at your joint on a regular basis.  You might be funny, you might be creative, you might like to poke fun at yourself, you might have a warped slant on something or we might share a common interest. Sometimes I stretch it to 5 , or 6 or 7 posts even. I'm giving you a fair shake. If we don't connect - no hard feelings. It doesn't mean you have nothing worthwhile to say . It just means I'm not feelin' the love. And it's quite likely if you read my blog you'd feel the same way.  

I'm not professing to being the Queen of Exciting Blog Posts. Hardly.   That's not my point. I have exactly 8 followers and a few pop ins who are following me privately. ( I know you are - don't pretend you aren't- you know who you are)  It's not like I'm Mrs Popularity. Or that anything I have to say is going to change the world. Or that I'm inspiring millions like that bitch Bakerella. (I'm sorry Bakerella - I'm just kidding - I totally LOVE your site- I just have baking envy and a short attention span when it comes to  fiddly shit )

Going by the interests of people I have scanned of late  I have to ask does everyone in America home school? And I'm guessing Sunday morning when everyone is in church is a good time to go shopping with the twenty  other people on blogger  who don't attend worship?  Not trying to inflame here - Just saying.  And if everyone on blogger is so into their families, why is there so much angst at family Christmas lunch? Am I the only freaking person on the planet that doesn't knit underwear for the homeless? Profile surfing is making me feel completely inadequate. There are so many things I don't do. That cuts down my "connection" opportunities significantly.

And then I got to thinking ( for the first time ever ) how I might come across on my blog posts and in my own profile...what if people think I'm a boring self obsessed whack job? Are people out there thinking "I can't believe that weird Aussie chick wrote "salt and vinegar chips" as an interest. No way I'm looking at her blog" .  Or worse still "Is this woman on crack? Nothing she posts makes sense" . I can imagine people all over the blogisphere invoking a one post rule with my blog.

Do I come across as weird? I don't feel like I do, but when you're weird you actually think everyone else is and you're the only sane one don't you? Clearly I am desperately insecure. The more I read profiles the more insecure I'm becoming.

The funny thing is that I used to really watch what I wrote on my blog. Go back and read some of my early posts - none of my personality in them at all and nobody was reading either. Go on, off you go , read them , I'll wait................

A few months back, I started thinking about why I was scared to be me on my blog. It was because I wanted to be liked. I didn't want to upset anyone. I didn't want to post something offensive.   Even in Blogland, I want to be liked. Blog land is a lot like High School. I want to fit in. I want to be popular. I want to wear the right kind of jeans and have perfect Pat Benatar hair. I wish my freckles would fade away, methaphorically speaking. The thing is in real life people either like me or they dont. And I'm fine with that. Why is Blogland any different? So I started posting like I talk in RL. And all of a sudden people started  reading. 

Like High school, you can't fake it in blogland. Some peeps gonna be yo friends and some not. You're going to have the pretty girl with loads of friends, the jock  and the geeks who generally aren't aware they're geeks. Then you have the people like me, that are middle of the road, and are never going to set the earth on fire , but are appreciated in their own little circle.  Now that I've surfed round for a while and  havent found anyone I want to make new  friends with right now, I'm happy in my own little clique.

So, thanks for being in ma' posse.